Maybe I Need Help...

Hi. My name's Kim, and I'm a bookaholic.

I've always loved reading. I love reading. It's something my parents (especially my mother) instilled in me early on. As a matter of fact, I was reading (well) by age 5. Which wouldn't have been an issue, if only the rest of my class hadn't been just learning their letters. But, as it turns out, I was so far ahead, and the schools so reluctant to cooperate (one teacher went as far as to tell my parents not to allow me to read anything, even a box of cereal, so that the rest of the class could catch up to me) that my parents decided to pull me out of the public school system and begin what turned into eight years of homeschooling me.
I've read more books than I could list. I firmly believe a person can never own too many books (unless they start piling up around the room). I love all books. You name it, I'll read it. My bookshelf holds everything from Popular Religions of the World to the Harry Potter series to a multitude of Stephen King books to financial advice books to trashy romance novels. And that's not counting all the books I have in storage and the ones on my wish list.
I'm constantly on the lookout for a new good book, and I'm always picking up things to read. My desk holds more old Cosmos and school newspapers and Advocates than I care to count, because I have such a hard time throwing away good reading material, even if I've memorized it cover to cover. My class had a library introduction a couple weeks ago, and I literally stopped in my tracks on the way out of the campus library because I spotted a rack full of magazines they were giving away. I frequent a library near my house because they have a room full of free books just waiting to be brought home and placed on my bookshelf. I've had to resist going into used bookstores when I haven't specifically set aside money specifically for buying books, because I'll happily spend my food budget on books and just eat Ramen and macaroni and cheese instead.

I never really thought it was an issue. In fact, I've always loved that part of myself - the side of me that is more than content to sit in front of my parents' wood-burning stove with a good book and just read all afternoon. I love throwing a blanket over the picnic table and laying in the sun reading a well-worn and much-loved book. I don't fully understand, but thoroughly enjoy the fact that one of the things that calms me the most is to just bury my face in the binding between the pages of a book. I love that, for however long or short I read, I am transported to another place. To another world or another time, where vivid pictures of people and places dance through my mind.
Knowing all this, it's no surprise that I often spend time at friends' houses standing in front of their bookshelves. I look at every book. Every title. Every author. Sometimes, I leave with a few of their books, anxiously borrowed in anticipation of an afternoon (or, let's face it, a night) spent lost in a new adventure.



Today, I was walking through the halls at school, in the extra 45 minutes between when I finished my geography test and when the lecture part of the class started. I walked past an older gentleman sitting in a chair reading a book. I have no idea what book it was. There was no jacket, and the cover was one of those generic dark materials that adorns hardcover books. As I walked past him, I was suddenly struck with this unbelievable urge to snatch the book from his hands and take it home to read it myself.
Let me repeat that, for any of you who may have missed what I just said.
I almost walked up to an elderly man whom I've never met and snatched from his hands a completely unknown book, simply so I could take it home and read it myself.
What kind of person am I!?!?!?
And as if that wasn't bad enough, I noticed a box set up in the hallway for students to donate textbooks (and probably other books) to be donated to people who don't have/can't afford books, and to help literacy. And I had to remind myself that I didn't fit that particular "needy" category.
...I think I have a problem...

What's My Deal!?!?

I’ve been floundering around for a while, trying to figure out myself and my life and where I’m going and what I’m doing in this world. I’ve been trying to come to terms with part of myself that I’m uncomfortable with. Trying to make myself ok with parts of myself I’ve been too scared to express for far too long. Trying to believe that it’s OK to have an opinion. That there’s nothing wrong with chasing down the things I want, the people I want, the dreams I’ve had. Trying to remind myself that it’s OK to have and improve and use this brain in my head.

Trying to convince myself that my personality is my personality and that it’s ok. That it won't hinder any friendships or new relationships or even just negatively impact anyone's opinion of me.

I don’t know what I’m so afraid of.
I’ve been me for the last 25 and a half years. Why should I be afraid of me? Or more accurately… Why am I so afraid to be me?

I’ve always been one to keep the peace. I like it that way. Tell me what it takes to make you happy, and as long as it’s not unreasonable, I’ll do it. And if I’m not sure what you want to do, I’ll just pretend like I don’t care at all. It’s not that I want to seem like an indecisive airhead (which, I realize, is what happens) - it’s that I’d rather not have a strong opinion than have one you don’t like. I’m also known to agree to do something I don’t really want to do. Because I’d rather do that than have you not like what I want.

I’m not sure why I’m like this.
I don’t know why I’m afraid of my own opinions.

Or why I’m afraid to be proactive. I mean…it shouldn’t be so difficult for me to just go for what I want. So…why is it? Why am I afraid of seeming push or clingy whenever I want to initiate any sort of social interaction? Isn’t wanting to see each other often kind of a big part of friendship?

And since when is intelligence a bad thing? How come I’m afraid to sound smart sometimes? Do I really think that the fact that I have a brain and am going to school will count against me in forming any relationships?

I don’t know why I’m so insecure. I really don’t have any reason to be. I’ve got great friends and a huge but very supportive family. I’ve never had anyone say they thought opinions, proactivity, or intelligence were bad things.

So why do I think so? My friends are amazing people. Some of them have been around since I was a kid. Some have been friends since high school or college. Some from various jobs. And some of my closest friends are from the roughest time in my life. They’ve seen me at my best. Seen me at my worst. Laughed with me; cried with me. Stayed at my house; let me stay at theirs.

If I’ve managed to find friends who can stand by me as I lose my job, my car, my apartment, my independence, and my pride… Why do I think they won’t want me to be strong, independent, intelligent, and decisive? And why do I think I can’t find new friends who will do the same?

I mean… Any real friends would love me regardless.

…Right?

Dear Boy

So...
I was going through an envelope of homework I did while in high school. One of the things I found was a "Dear Boy" letter I had to write in Bible class.
And I decided to put it here. Because some of it is promises that I've made, and need to remind myself of over and over, so I don't forget them when the time is right. And some of it are things that every girl wants the man she loves to know. Some of the details are ridiculously out of date, but...the premise is the same. So...just bear with me here. Thanks. :-)

*~*~*~*~*

Dear Boy,

I have no idea who you are, where you live, or even what your name is. I don't know how or when I'll meet you, but I know it will all be right.
I want you to know that I'll love you, no matter what you're like.
I hope you'll remember that my birthday is in September, not in May, and that I like baseball, not basketball. Even if you don't remember, I'll still love you, but it would be nice if you knew.
I promise to remember what sport you play, and what position, and I'll never forget your number. I swear I won't hate you, even if you like the Red Sox, although I may tease you a bit. Just remember I like the Yankees.
I promise not to compare you to other guys, and I hope you'll try not to compare me to other girls.
Please remember that I need you to hold me, even if nothing looks wrong. And if you ask if something's wrong and I say no, I'm probably lying, so hold me anyway.
I promise that, while you're skateboarding or whatever else guys do, I won't worry about you (too much). I'll do my best to keep your friends' names straight, if you'll do the same for mine.
If I cry, please don't see me as weak or pathetic - just hold me close and love me. If you cry, I'll do the same.
I hope you'll love me for who I am, not for who you can make me. Please understand that, while I like Backstreet Boys and Plus One, I'll love you that much more, so please don't call them gay.
Please realize that, while I'll go to a hockey game with you a hundred times, I'd like to go see a movie with you, too, even just once or twice.
If we break up, I'll still love you, though I will be hurt. I'll get over it, and I'll still want to be your friend, if you'll let me.
Just promise me you love me, and I'll do my best to never let you down.
Please know that I pray for you all the time.
I love you.

~Kim

P.S. Happy Valentines Day!

If I danced, I'd be doing it today.
I'm not 100% sure why the urge is so strong...but...I'm in a really good mood today.
:-)

In the meantime...Here's a song I can't get out of my head...

<3

Love/Hate

I hate you.
I love you.
I need to get rid of you.
I can't let you go.
I'm so tired of your lies.
I hope you mean them all.
I'm never in as much pain or confusion as when you're around.
I never see the sun shine as bright as when you're around.
I hate that you know exactly what buttons to push.
I love that you know me so well.
I hate that I can never stay mad at you, even when you treat me like shit.
I love that you can always make me smile.
I hate that you keep coming back only when you aren't happy.
I love that you keep coming back when you're not happy.
I hate that I can't get your face out of my mind.
I love that I can always see your smile.
I hate that you only say "us" when you know I'm on the brink of walking away.
I love that you keep coming back to "us."
I'm so tired of your lies.
I hope you mean them all.
I need to get rid of you.
I can't let you go.
I hate you.
I love you.

Things I'm Thankful For Today

My family being together today

My new blue-with-hearts slippers
The blue-and-white hat and scarf my Gramma crocheted for me
My new HP laptop and flash drive
The laptop carrying case with Donald Duck
The 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th books in the Harry Potter series (to go with the 7th book I already own)
The Sony Cyber-Shot digital camera and memory card
My new fuzzy blanket with Perry the Platypus on it
A brown purse with a blue K on it
The candy in my stocking

And did I mention having my family here? Including Crystal and Gramma??

:-D

It's been a good day. EVERYTHING was perfect. :-)

Quickly...

I wonder how the girl who doesn't ever want to settle for anything less than exactly what she wants seems to be the same girl who doesn't ever demand exactly what she wants, and therefore never gets it because she'd rather keep peace with the people around her...

Found While Cleaning

For those of you who doubted how incredibly tedious and boring my days were at my data entry position...
I've been cleaning my room today, and I stumbled across a "diary" I kept one day.
See for yourself:


Monday 4/13
I clocked in for work at 7:05. I never told my boss I'll be coming in early all week...hope he doesn't mind... All set & started my work at 7:10.

7:20 - I'm done. I've finished/caught up on Friday's numbers, and have nothing to do, because no one else is here yet today. I sure hope I'm not supposed to be in another area of these programs... But then again...that would give me something to do while I wait for there to be data to enter... I can't decide whether or not to be guilty about the face that I'm getting paid to sit here and listen to morning radio shows.

8:00 - Still nothing to do. I'm beginning to wonder why on earth they offered me overtime, since I really don't have enough work to last the normal eight-hour day, nevermind extra time. I also think I'm the only one in my area who came in early. I only saw one other girl on the floor when I came into the office, and I still don't hear the scanners running...

8:20 - I decided to switch back & forth with another computer so I can run a verify program. But the other computer (the only one I can use)is agonizingly slow, so it's not going too much better. I'm still bored, just in shorter intervals.

8:25 Nevermind. I don't know what I'm doing on the verify program. Guess I'll be bored and doing nothing again...

8:55 - I've finally had work to do. It's been 1-4 entries every minute or two for the last 5-10 minutes. Still leaves lots of free time, but it's not as mind-nimbingly dull as earlier. Now...to convince the radio to play different music than the same 20 songs it played all day Friday...

9:30 - My boss came in earlier. I asked him if I should be doing something else... He says no, I just have to sit tight and wait for work to come through. Well...at least now I have my supervisor's word that I don't have anything else to do...

10:05 - 5 minutes left to my morning break, but I'm already inside. It's cold in this office, and I can feel the cold flickering over my body, chasing away the delicious warmth from the sun. Maybe I'll take a book outside later...I miss the way the sun feels on my skin... One of the many reasons I wish I was back in Tampa.

11:05 - Wow... Every time I go to the bathroom here, the smell sends me right back to high school. It doesn't stink...just smells...like CCS's stalls. Lol. I've been working on and off since my break. That, and texting the ex. I find more comfort in talking to him & having him around than I should. Call me cruel, but I've had to start thinking of him as my "safety school" so I don't let myself get carried away thinking of him as a possibility to be more than a friend, when I've outlined the reasons why that's a bad idea many times. *sigh* I'll get it through my own head one of these days...

1:25 - 11 to 11:30 seems to fly by every day. Not that I'm complaining...Work is still slow with spurts of busy times, normally for under 5 minutes. But I've managed to get in some good conversations with my sister and my ex. Plus write this up, so the morning hasn't been a total loss. :-P

3:40 - The floor supervisor showed me how to verify my barcodes on another computer at about 2:15. I've spent the last hour and a half scooting between the two computers, running three programs at once. It only took me that long to verify ALL my work from Friday and today. *sigh* Back to boredom, I guess...

4:10 - The last half-hour has DRAGGED. Not looking much better for the next 20 minutes. At least that's all I have left... I keep rocking myself until I almost fall asleep, and then it takes ages to actually wake up again. Maybe I should get to bed at a more reasonable time from now on...

They're All Like Snowflakes

Well, I'm stealing a blog again.

Heather posted a quick note about this site, One in 8 Million. I opened it up with the intention of only watching the couple that she specifically linked to, but I realized quickly that that wasn't enough.
I love people. I love what they think. I love their stories. I love to learn about what motivates them...why they do what they do...why they've made the changes they've made... So this project is absolutely captivating to me.
To think that all of these people are in one city blows my mind. They all live within very few miles, when you think about the size of this country, and yet each story is as different as the ice crystals that form snowflakes.
What other stories could we get if this was a nationwide project!?!?

Hopefully, you'll like it too.


P.S. This is part of why I love NYC.

Where My Own Stubbornness Almost Makes Me Miss Out...

I'm always reluctant to jump on someone else's bandwagon. Especially when it comes to music and movies. (Just ask my sister.)

What? You have this new song I should listen to and fall in love with?
Pssh...please. I've got a CD collection that has everything in it from Eminem to Taylor Swift, Josh Groban to Gravediggers, Steven Curtis Chapman to the Newsies soundtrack, 3 Doors Down to Three Days Grace, Switchfoot to Santana, Simon and Garfunkel to Sara Bareilles. And everything in between. And on my computer? I have more music than I could listen to in a week and more Owl City songs than the band members themselves. What could you possibly have that's better than what I've already got?

A new movie I should see, you say?
Ha! You obviously haven't seen the shelf of movies I already own. A collection with such treasures as Saving Private Ryan, Pearl Harbor, the Lord of the Rings series, all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Because I Said So, and Mirrors. Also in that mix are the Shrek movies, Zack and Miri Make A Porno, A Knight's Tale, Surf Ninjas, and Benchwarmers. To name just a few. Don't tell me about good movies. I've got plenty, and I don't need yours, thank you very much.


So when one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world (who was also my arch-nemesis for a day when she tricked me into watching Casablanca, even when I adamantly stated for months that I'd never watch it) started talking about a song she loved, naturally, I was wary.
She posted it on Facebook, but I ignored it. I might as well have never seen it.
She talked about it on Twitter, and my resolve weakened a little. I actually opened the video in another window. But once I saw the name, I closed it without giving it a chance. "We have different taste," I told myself. "Doesn't sound like something I'd like."
But when I saw it again on her blog, I decided to bite the bullet and suffer through the almost-four minute video. How bad could it be? She seemed to be pretty passionate about it. What did I have to lose, besides four minutes of my time?

Turns out, I lost eight minutes of my time to that song. Because I had to watch the video twice.


My dear friend Heather did the song more justice than I ever could by saying "When music critics talk about haunting and melodic, this is what they should be referring to. I haven't been able to get this out of my head since the first time I listened to it."
And it's true. I've tried listening to other music, and I just can't get this song out of my head, either.


So...I share this video with you. My dear friends. And I hope that you're not as much of a pain in the ass about new music as I am, because I almost missed out on an awesome song by a great band. And that would have been sad.




And if you go here, you can get a free download.
P.S. "Free download" in my mind = one song. NOT SO!! These guys are so awesome, they'll give you a whole CD!!! How amazing is that!?!?