I’ve been floundering around for a while, trying to figure out myself and my life and where I’m going and what I’m doing in this world. I’ve been trying to come to terms with part of myself that I’m uncomfortable with. Trying to make myself ok with parts of myself I’ve been too scared to express for far too long. Trying to believe that it’s OK to have an opinion. That there’s nothing wrong with chasing down the things I want, the people I want, the dreams I’ve had. Trying to remind myself that it’s OK to have and improve and use this brain in my head.
Trying to convince myself that my personality is my personality and that it’s ok. That it won't hinder any friendships or new relationships or even just negatively impact anyone's opinion of me.
I don’t know what I’m so afraid of.
I’ve been me for the last 25 and a half years. Why should I be afraid of me? Or more accurately… Why am I so afraid to be me?
I’ve always been one to keep the peace. I like it that way. Tell me what it takes to make you happy, and as long as it’s not unreasonable, I’ll do it. And if I’m not sure what you want to do, I’ll just pretend like I don’t care at all. It’s not that I want to seem like an indecisive airhead (which, I realize, is what happens) - it’s that I’d rather not have a strong opinion than have one you don’t like. I’m also known to agree to do something I don’t really want to do. Because I’d rather do that than have you not like what I want.
I’m not sure why I’m like this.
I don’t know why I’m afraid of my own opinions.
Or why I’m afraid to be proactive. I mean…it shouldn’t be so difficult for me to just go for what I want. So…why is it? Why am I afraid of seeming push or clingy whenever I want to initiate any sort of social interaction? Isn’t wanting to see each other often kind of a big part of friendship?
And since when is intelligence a bad thing? How come I’m afraid to sound smart sometimes? Do I really think that the fact that I have a brain and am going to school will count against me in forming any relationships?
I don’t know why I’m so insecure. I really don’t have any reason to be. I’ve got great friends and a huge but very supportive family. I’ve never had anyone say they thought opinions, proactivity, or intelligence were bad things.
So why do I think so? My friends are amazing people. Some of them have been around since I was a kid. Some have been friends since high school or college. Some from various jobs. And some of my closest friends are from the roughest time in my life. They’ve seen me at my best. Seen me at my worst. Laughed with me; cried with me. Stayed at my house; let me stay at theirs.
If I’ve managed to find friends who can stand by me as I lose my job, my car, my apartment, my independence, and my pride… Why do I think they won’t want me to be strong, independent, intelligent, and decisive? And why do I think I can’t find new friends who will do the same?
I mean… Any real friends would love me regardless.
…Right?
Showing posts with label Insecurity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Insecurity. Show all posts
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Inner Strength - Where Does It Come From?
I am amazed by this woman's strength...
In her bio on the Biggest Loser website, it says that "She faced an enormous tragedy in October 2006. In light of losing her beloved husband, 5½ year-old daughter and 2½ week-old son in a fatal car crash, she chooses to forge ahead."
Which she doesn't explain here.
What blows me away, every week, is her determination. Her persistence. Her strength. And even more than that, her joy.
If I lost what she did... Wow... She says she chooses every day to get out of bed. It is a conscious choice to get up and live without her loved ones.
I think I very well might have chosen not to wake up the next morning.
Every week, Abby is smiling, cheering her team on, working as hard as she can. She is pushed by the trainers. By her teammates. By herself. And she keeps going. Keeps living.
I want to be like that. I want to have that strength. That inner drive. That faith that there is something more in store for me.
In the first episode of this season, Abby says that it was the grace of G-d that she wasn't in the van with her family that day. And that she takes the fact that she was spared as her sign that she was meant for something more - something bigger than she even knows about right now. And she's chosen to start that path...to begin to find her destiny...by getting herself right.
Not to make everything about me...but...
I have been fighting so much with myself recently. With my self-image. Because, let's face it, I'm overweight, unemployed, have no car, and feel more and more unmotivated by the moment.
I'm fighting to find the determination I need to pick myself up and change my life. I don't want to be this size forever. I don't want to be unemployed or have a job I hate. I want to have a car and not worry about whether or not I can make the payments. I want to do something with my life, other than sit in this house.
I don't know how to make that change. I'd love to make it onto the show, and get the jump-start from them so that I can begin a new me. That would be a dream-come-true.
But would it fix the problem?
Not by itself. There are bigger issues in my life than just having trouble losing weight, and I know it. I think the biggest one is a fear of failure and unhappiness.
If I try to lose weight and fail, I'll feel worse than I do now.
If I try harder to find a job and still can't find anything, I'll feel like I'm not good enough.
If I find a job and hate it, I'll feel like I'm not going anywhere or doing anything worthwhile with my life.
I don't know where to start. I'm not happy with where I am.
I'm not sure exactly where I want to go, but I know I don't want to stay here.
How do you get to a place you don't know? How do you even know what direction to head or how to begin?
I'd love to say that, first thing tomorrow, I'm going to get out of bed at 8 or 9, throw on my sneakers, and go for a run. That then I'll shower and call every daycare within a 20 mile radius, selling myself as the most enthusiastic and passionate toddler teacher they could ever employ. Then I'll get my room set up, help with dinner, and go to Carolyne's play.
But I know myself. And I know that I'll really just want to stay in bed till close to noon, then spend an hour or so on the computer while eating, set up my room, grudgingly help with dinner, and then go to the play.
And that pisses me off. I hate who I've become. I don't want to be this girl anymore. I don't want to live in my parents' house because I have nowhere else to go and no way to support myself if I did. I don't want to spend day after day dodging questions about why I don't have a job. I don't want to be lazy and unmotivated and sedentary.
I want to work. I want to run. I want to laugh and play and go out with friends and get a car and pay off this debt and get my life back in order.
And when I'm back on my feet, I want to meet someone. Because, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm 25 and honestly have never had a relationship worth mentioning. And I want a family. Lord knows I'm going to have enough trouble having kids of my own. I really don't want to have my age hinder that as well.
I don't know...I feel like I'm constantly running myself around in circles and then wondering why I never get anywhere. And I don't know what it's going to take to get myself motivated. I feel like... I'm pretty sure I know what my mental block is. I know what I need to do. I know how to do it. And I know that, once I get started, I'll keep going. I'm a creature of habit. If I can just get into a routine, I'll be golden. I just don't know how to make myself get off my fat ass and DO IT.
And that's the most frustrating part of all.
:-\
In her bio on the Biggest Loser website, it says that "She faced an enormous tragedy in October 2006. In light of losing her beloved husband, 5½ year-old daughter and 2½ week-old son in a fatal car crash, she chooses to forge ahead."
Which she doesn't explain here.
What blows me away, every week, is her determination. Her persistence. Her strength. And even more than that, her joy.
If I lost what she did... Wow... She says she chooses every day to get out of bed. It is a conscious choice to get up and live without her loved ones.
I think I very well might have chosen not to wake up the next morning.
Every week, Abby is smiling, cheering her team on, working as hard as she can. She is pushed by the trainers. By her teammates. By herself. And she keeps going. Keeps living.
I want to be like that. I want to have that strength. That inner drive. That faith that there is something more in store for me.
In the first episode of this season, Abby says that it was the grace of G-d that she wasn't in the van with her family that day. And that she takes the fact that she was spared as her sign that she was meant for something more - something bigger than she even knows about right now. And she's chosen to start that path...to begin to find her destiny...by getting herself right.
Not to make everything about me...but...
I have been fighting so much with myself recently. With my self-image. Because, let's face it, I'm overweight, unemployed, have no car, and feel more and more unmotivated by the moment.
I'm fighting to find the determination I need to pick myself up and change my life. I don't want to be this size forever. I don't want to be unemployed or have a job I hate. I want to have a car and not worry about whether or not I can make the payments. I want to do something with my life, other than sit in this house.
I don't know how to make that change. I'd love to make it onto the show, and get the jump-start from them so that I can begin a new me. That would be a dream-come-true.
But would it fix the problem?
Not by itself. There are bigger issues in my life than just having trouble losing weight, and I know it. I think the biggest one is a fear of failure and unhappiness.
If I try to lose weight and fail, I'll feel worse than I do now.
If I try harder to find a job and still can't find anything, I'll feel like I'm not good enough.
If I find a job and hate it, I'll feel like I'm not going anywhere or doing anything worthwhile with my life.
I don't know where to start. I'm not happy with where I am.
I'm not sure exactly where I want to go, but I know I don't want to stay here.
How do you get to a place you don't know? How do you even know what direction to head or how to begin?
I'd love to say that, first thing tomorrow, I'm going to get out of bed at 8 or 9, throw on my sneakers, and go for a run. That then I'll shower and call every daycare within a 20 mile radius, selling myself as the most enthusiastic and passionate toddler teacher they could ever employ. Then I'll get my room set up, help with dinner, and go to Carolyne's play.
But I know myself. And I know that I'll really just want to stay in bed till close to noon, then spend an hour or so on the computer while eating, set up my room, grudgingly help with dinner, and then go to the play.
And that pisses me off. I hate who I've become. I don't want to be this girl anymore. I don't want to live in my parents' house because I have nowhere else to go and no way to support myself if I did. I don't want to spend day after day dodging questions about why I don't have a job. I don't want to be lazy and unmotivated and sedentary.
I want to work. I want to run. I want to laugh and play and go out with friends and get a car and pay off this debt and get my life back in order.
And when I'm back on my feet, I want to meet someone. Because, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm 25 and honestly have never had a relationship worth mentioning. And I want a family. Lord knows I'm going to have enough trouble having kids of my own. I really don't want to have my age hinder that as well.
I don't know...I feel like I'm constantly running myself around in circles and then wondering why I never get anywhere. And I don't know what it's going to take to get myself motivated. I feel like... I'm pretty sure I know what my mental block is. I know what I need to do. I know how to do it. And I know that, once I get started, I'll keep going. I'm a creature of habit. If I can just get into a routine, I'll be golden. I just don't know how to make myself get off my fat ass and DO IT.
And that's the most frustrating part of all.
:-\
Thursday, November 6, 2008
All Jumbled Up Inside
I walked to Publix today to get myself the star fruit I've been craving since I broke up with Rob. His mom has a tree full of them in the back yard, and when he went outside to smoke, Rob and I would sit by the pool and eat the juicy, fleshy points of the fruit and feed the more fibrous insides to his dog. I haven't had one since I've been single, and I've missed biting into the sweet fruit and having the juice dribble down my fingers and chin.
On the way to the store, I popped on the earbuds for my MP3 player (yes, I know, I'm behind the times by not having an iPod, but this was a hand-me-down from when Crystal got her iPod, and I really don't have the money to ditch this perfectly good portable music source) and selected the newest 3 Doors Down CD to listen to. I'm always amazed by how a single song can make me feel opposite emotions with equal strength. I'm also surprised by how ten minutes can make a difference as to what emotion is felt. As I listened to the first few tracks on the way to the store, I was contentedly but determinedly walking the 3/4 mile to the grocery store, thinking of nothing more than the fact that I was on my way to get what I've been wanting for so long.
On the walk home, however, star fruit and vidalia onion swinging from my hand in the grocery bag, those same songs took on a whole new meaning. All I could think about was the way my life has turned out. The way things are going, and how helpless I feel. I was comparing my life a year ago to my life now.
A year ago, I was living with my parents, getting ready to move to Tampa. I was employed, had a car I loved, and was getting ready to chase down a dream I've had for as long as I can remember. I was getting ready to move to FLORIDA. To be near the beach. Where there's an abundance of sun. And, most importantly, where my sister is. Yes, I was worried about financing the move, but it was happening, and I had faith that everything would work itself out. How could it not? I was finally being proactive about my life. Grabbing the bull by the horns and demanding what I wanted out of life. I loved every second of my life because, for the first time, I was doing things for ME.
Today, I have come full circle, and I am staring at the shattered remains of everything I thought would last forever. I have no job, and haven't had one since my birthday in September, when my literal wake-up call was my boss saying not to bother logging on to work, and could I please mail back their computer. My car, which has been nothing more than a parking lot ornament since the head gasket went in August, was repossessed last week, because I do not have the money to pay for the loan. I am living in an apartment that I have only not been evicted from because of the kindness, understanding, and trust of my landlord. I have not spent any time with my sister since my birthday party the Friday before my birthday, with the exception of the one night last month when I persuaded her to give me a ride home from a babysitting job.
I'm not saying that I completely regret this move. I have made great friends. I have more pictures of me (a happy me) and my friends from these past ten months of my life than from the previous 5 years combined. I have memories that will carry me through a lifetime. I have laughed and cried, loved and lost, sang and screamed, ran and crawled, danced and crashed, held and pushed away. I have completely opened up and experienced a spectrum of emotions I'd previously shut myself off to. I have discovered where I need to put my foot down, and where I can afford to be more understanding. I have learned who will be there for me most when I need them, who I can call sobbing in the middle of the night, who will make me laugh no matter what mood I'm in, who will prove their friendship over and over again, who will hold me when I need a hug, who will just sit with me and let me cry, who will talk me through the rough spots, who will always gently suggest that I do things differently, who will force me to see the truth I'm reluctant to face, and, sadly, who will cease to be there for me when our relationship is no longer easy or convenient.
This turning my life upside down is two-folded. In the same amount of time that I have discovered these parts of myself and the people around me, I have also destroyed the financial aspect of my life. It is in shambles. Being the sole provider for my household has completely demolished any sense of independence living on my own could have possibly created. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad I got to live with Crystal, however short that time was and however little she was actually around. But...had I had a roommate to help with the bills, things would be different right now. And I was too proud to see that until recently.
I am well aware of the fact that I'm probably going to have to move back in with my parents. But...I don't want to. For many reasons. I don't want to live on a cot in their office. I don't want to go from being an independent woman back to being the oldest child who has come home (again) and is now expected to take part in every family meal, every outing, every chore. I don't want to give up having my own home - my own escape. I don't want to give up having my own life.
And...ridiculous as this is...I don't want to give up the idea of living with Gary. I don't want to give up having a guaranteed roommate. I don't want to let go of the constant laughter and happiness he brings into my life. I am reluctant to take myself away from my own personal ray of sunshine. And for reasons I am not at liberty to share because they are not my business to tell, I want to spend every second I can with him, while I still have those seconds. He wants to leave Florida anyway, and I want to be able to be near him when he makes that relocation. I don't completely understand, and therefore can't explain, the friendship that we have...but I don't want to do anything to risk losing it. The connection between us is undeniable and, while I am not looking for a romantic relationship, I can't get enough of being around him.
But...as much as I don't want to live with my parents, I don't know where I'll get the money to live on my own. Not without a job (still). And, even if I do get a job soon...paying my bills here AND saving enough to move is not something I'm seeing as a likely option.
Yes, the intelligent thing for me to do is to put my stuff into storage and move into Mom and Dad's office. To sleep on that cot every night, and allow the frustration of being in that position to force me to get off my ass and get my life together so that I CAN move out soon. And maybe then I'll be able to "send for" Gary, and have him join me back home. Maybe the fact that Seth wants to move out with me/us will make it a reality that much sooner...
That doesn't make it any more deisrable.
As I walked back from Publix today, I vacillated between devastation and frustration...and hope and determination. Frustration and devastation because, in chasing this dream, I feel like I may have ruined the rest of my life. And hope and determination because, as 3 Doors Down so eloquently puts it (lyrics below), my mistakes do not define me - they tell me who I'm not.
So...I still don't know what I'm going to do...or...maybe I DO know, and I'm just not admitting it to myself...
But... I am determined not to let this define me. I will not let this get me down, or keep me from pursuing other dreams. I may be beaten down. I may feel like I've hit a wall I cannot climb or fallen into a hole I cannot get out of. But I refuse to let this stop me.
I will overcome this. I will have my life back. I will be happy again. I will not go to bed every night, laying awake wondering how I am going to face the next day.
And, at the risk of sounding very cliche...
I WILL SURVIVE.
"It's The Only One You've Got"
How do you know where you're going
When you don't know where you've been
You hide the shame that you're not showing
And you won't let anyone in
A crowded street can be a quiet place
When you're walking alone
And now you think that you're the only
One who doesn't
[Chorus:]
Have to try
And you won't have to fail
If you're afraid to fight
Then i guess you never will
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
Memories have left you broken
And the scars have never healed
The emptiness in you is growing
But so little left to fill
You're scared to look back on the days before
You're too tired to move on
And now you think that you're the only one who doesn't
[Chorus]
What would it take
To get you to say that i'll try
And what would you say if
This was the last day of your life
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
On the way to the store, I popped on the earbuds for my MP3 player (yes, I know, I'm behind the times by not having an iPod, but this was a hand-me-down from when Crystal got her iPod, and I really don't have the money to ditch this perfectly good portable music source) and selected the newest 3 Doors Down CD to listen to. I'm always amazed by how a single song can make me feel opposite emotions with equal strength. I'm also surprised by how ten minutes can make a difference as to what emotion is felt. As I listened to the first few tracks on the way to the store, I was contentedly but determinedly walking the 3/4 mile to the grocery store, thinking of nothing more than the fact that I was on my way to get what I've been wanting for so long.
On the walk home, however, star fruit and vidalia onion swinging from my hand in the grocery bag, those same songs took on a whole new meaning. All I could think about was the way my life has turned out. The way things are going, and how helpless I feel. I was comparing my life a year ago to my life now.
A year ago, I was living with my parents, getting ready to move to Tampa. I was employed, had a car I loved, and was getting ready to chase down a dream I've had for as long as I can remember. I was getting ready to move to FLORIDA. To be near the beach. Where there's an abundance of sun. And, most importantly, where my sister is. Yes, I was worried about financing the move, but it was happening, and I had faith that everything would work itself out. How could it not? I was finally being proactive about my life. Grabbing the bull by the horns and demanding what I wanted out of life. I loved every second of my life because, for the first time, I was doing things for ME.
Today, I have come full circle, and I am staring at the shattered remains of everything I thought would last forever. I have no job, and haven't had one since my birthday in September, when my literal wake-up call was my boss saying not to bother logging on to work, and could I please mail back their computer. My car, which has been nothing more than a parking lot ornament since the head gasket went in August, was repossessed last week, because I do not have the money to pay for the loan. I am living in an apartment that I have only not been evicted from because of the kindness, understanding, and trust of my landlord. I have not spent any time with my sister since my birthday party the Friday before my birthday, with the exception of the one night last month when I persuaded her to give me a ride home from a babysitting job.
I'm not saying that I completely regret this move. I have made great friends. I have more pictures of me (a happy me) and my friends from these past ten months of my life than from the previous 5 years combined. I have memories that will carry me through a lifetime. I have laughed and cried, loved and lost, sang and screamed, ran and crawled, danced and crashed, held and pushed away. I have completely opened up and experienced a spectrum of emotions I'd previously shut myself off to. I have discovered where I need to put my foot down, and where I can afford to be more understanding. I have learned who will be there for me most when I need them, who I can call sobbing in the middle of the night, who will make me laugh no matter what mood I'm in, who will prove their friendship over and over again, who will hold me when I need a hug, who will just sit with me and let me cry, who will talk me through the rough spots, who will always gently suggest that I do things differently, who will force me to see the truth I'm reluctant to face, and, sadly, who will cease to be there for me when our relationship is no longer easy or convenient.
This turning my life upside down is two-folded. In the same amount of time that I have discovered these parts of myself and the people around me, I have also destroyed the financial aspect of my life. It is in shambles. Being the sole provider for my household has completely demolished any sense of independence living on my own could have possibly created. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad I got to live with Crystal, however short that time was and however little she was actually around. But...had I had a roommate to help with the bills, things would be different right now. And I was too proud to see that until recently.
I am well aware of the fact that I'm probably going to have to move back in with my parents. But...I don't want to. For many reasons. I don't want to live on a cot in their office. I don't want to go from being an independent woman back to being the oldest child who has come home (again) and is now expected to take part in every family meal, every outing, every chore. I don't want to give up having my own home - my own escape. I don't want to give up having my own life.
And...ridiculous as this is...I don't want to give up the idea of living with Gary. I don't want to give up having a guaranteed roommate. I don't want to let go of the constant laughter and happiness he brings into my life. I am reluctant to take myself away from my own personal ray of sunshine. And for reasons I am not at liberty to share because they are not my business to tell, I want to spend every second I can with him, while I still have those seconds. He wants to leave Florida anyway, and I want to be able to be near him when he makes that relocation. I don't completely understand, and therefore can't explain, the friendship that we have...but I don't want to do anything to risk losing it. The connection between us is undeniable and, while I am not looking for a romantic relationship, I can't get enough of being around him.
But...as much as I don't want to live with my parents, I don't know where I'll get the money to live on my own. Not without a job (still). And, even if I do get a job soon...paying my bills here AND saving enough to move is not something I'm seeing as a likely option.
Yes, the intelligent thing for me to do is to put my stuff into storage and move into Mom and Dad's office. To sleep on that cot every night, and allow the frustration of being in that position to force me to get off my ass and get my life together so that I CAN move out soon. And maybe then I'll be able to "send for" Gary, and have him join me back home. Maybe the fact that Seth wants to move out with me/us will make it a reality that much sooner...
That doesn't make it any more deisrable.
As I walked back from Publix today, I vacillated between devastation and frustration...and hope and determination. Frustration and devastation because, in chasing this dream, I feel like I may have ruined the rest of my life. And hope and determination because, as 3 Doors Down so eloquently puts it (lyrics below), my mistakes do not define me - they tell me who I'm not.
So...I still don't know what I'm going to do...or...maybe I DO know, and I'm just not admitting it to myself...
But... I am determined not to let this define me. I will not let this get me down, or keep me from pursuing other dreams. I may be beaten down. I may feel like I've hit a wall I cannot climb or fallen into a hole I cannot get out of. But I refuse to let this stop me.
I will overcome this. I will have my life back. I will be happy again. I will not go to bed every night, laying awake wondering how I am going to face the next day.
And, at the risk of sounding very cliche...
I WILL SURVIVE.
"It's The Only One You've Got"
How do you know where you're going
When you don't know where you've been
You hide the shame that you're not showing
And you won't let anyone in
A crowded street can be a quiet place
When you're walking alone
And now you think that you're the only
One who doesn't
[Chorus:]
Have to try
And you won't have to fail
If you're afraid to fight
Then i guess you never will
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
Memories have left you broken
And the scars have never healed
The emptiness in you is growing
But so little left to fill
You're scared to look back on the days before
You're too tired to move on
And now you think that you're the only one who doesn't
[Chorus]
What would it take
To get you to say that i'll try
And what would you say if
This was the last day of your life
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
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