Let's Call the Last Few Months My "Sabbatical"

So yes, it's been forever since I've written. And honestly, that drives me nuts. I've been feeling this insane need to write for a while now, but just keep putting it off.

Maybe the main reason I've been procrastinating is that I feel like I should have something significant to write about. And then I stop and realize that I do have something significant to write about. I have LOTS of significant things to write about! My life has changed so very drastically in the last three and a half months that it's hard to believe it's my life. And yet... It's all happened so smoothly (or maybe just so incredibly quickly) that I haven't even noticed just how much has happened.

Since December, I've graduated from MCC (finally!!), spent Hanukkah with my family and synagogue, moved 900 miles away, celebrated Christmas with Aaron's family, got a new job, went to visit Crystal, got Cooper back, and got a new phone.

I get up in the morning, take Cooper out, and shower. I head to Aaron's house, where I work from the comfort of the bedroom that used to belong to one of my best friends. I fix dinner for Aaron and I while he finishes working, and then we just hang out for the evening, often going for a walk and then watching movies or playing video games. Saturday is "our" day, and Sunday is church. And through it all, I keep waiting for my real life to start. I keep thinking that there's no way this is all my life, and there must be something that I have to go back to. I keep feeling like I'm dreaming, and I'm just moments from waking up. I keep waiting to be back in CT, still in school, unemployed, and single. But (but!) none of that is true! And I have to (get to?) remind myself of that daily.

And maybe that's the most significant thing to be writing about - the realization that my life, for once, is going so well that I feel like I'm living in a dream. Sure, there are rough times. There are times when I miss my family and friends. There are days when I miss teaching. There are nights when I hate my dog for having to pee at 2:30am. There are frustrating moments and even times when I'm sad. But I still love my life. So much so that I'm afraid it isn't real.

And that's a great thought.

Inner Strength - Where Does It Come From?

I am amazed by this woman's strength...



In her bio on the Biggest Loser website, it says that "She faced an enormous tragedy in October 2006. In light of losing her beloved husband, 5½ year-old daughter and 2½ week-old son in a fatal car crash, she chooses to forge ahead."
Which she doesn't explain here.

What blows me away, every week, is her determination. Her persistence. Her strength. And even more than that, her joy.
If I lost what she did... Wow... She says she chooses every day to get out of bed. It is a conscious choice to get up and live without her loved ones.
I think I very well might have chosen not to wake up the next morning.

Every week, Abby is smiling, cheering her team on, working as hard as she can. She is pushed by the trainers. By her teammates. By herself. And she keeps going. Keeps living.

I want to be like that. I want to have that strength. That inner drive. That faith that there is something more in store for me.
In the first episode of this season, Abby says that it was the grace of G-d that she wasn't in the van with her family that day. And that she takes the fact that she was spared as her sign that she was meant for something more - something bigger than she even knows about right now. And she's chosen to start that path...to begin to find her destiny...by getting herself right.

Not to make everything about me...but...
I have been fighting so much with myself recently. With my self-image. Because, let's face it, I'm overweight, unemployed, have no car, and feel more and more unmotivated by the moment.
I'm fighting to find the determination I need to pick myself up and change my life. I don't want to be this size forever. I don't want to be unemployed or have a job I hate. I want to have a car and not worry about whether or not I can make the payments. I want to do something with my life, other than sit in this house.

I don't know how to make that change. I'd love to make it onto the show, and get the jump-start from them so that I can begin a new me. That would be a dream-come-true.
But would it fix the problem?
Not by itself. There are bigger issues in my life than just having trouble losing weight, and I know it. I think the biggest one is a fear of failure and unhappiness.
If I try to lose weight and fail, I'll feel worse than I do now.
If I try harder to find a job and still can't find anything, I'll feel like I'm not good enough.
If I find a job and hate it, I'll feel like I'm not going anywhere or doing anything worthwhile with my life.

I don't know where to start. I'm not happy with where I am.
I'm not sure exactly where I want to go, but I know I don't want to stay here.
How do you get to a place you don't know? How do you even know what direction to head or how to begin?

I'd love to say that, first thing tomorrow, I'm going to get out of bed at 8 or 9, throw on my sneakers, and go for a run. That then I'll shower and call every daycare within a 20 mile radius, selling myself as the most enthusiastic and passionate toddler teacher they could ever employ. Then I'll get my room set up, help with dinner, and go to Carolyne's play.
But I know myself. And I know that I'll really just want to stay in bed till close to noon, then spend an hour or so on the computer while eating, set up my room, grudgingly help with dinner, and then go to the play.
And that pisses me off. I hate who I've become. I don't want to be this girl anymore. I don't want to live in my parents' house because I have nowhere else to go and no way to support myself if I did. I don't want to spend day after day dodging questions about why I don't have a job. I don't want to be lazy and unmotivated and sedentary.
I want to work. I want to run. I want to laugh and play and go out with friends and get a car and pay off this debt and get my life back in order.
And when I'm back on my feet, I want to meet someone. Because, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm 25 and honestly have never had a relationship worth mentioning. And I want a family. Lord knows I'm going to have enough trouble having kids of my own. I really don't want to have my age hinder that as well.

I don't know...I feel like I'm constantly running myself around in circles and then wondering why I never get anywhere. And I don't know what it's going to take to get myself motivated. I feel like... I'm pretty sure I know what my mental block is. I know what I need to do. I know how to do it. And I know that, once I get started, I'll keep going. I'm a creature of habit. If I can just get into a routine, I'll be golden. I just don't know how to make myself get off my fat ass and DO IT.
And that's the most frustrating part of all.

:-\

Comfort In Strange Places

They say that scent is the strongest sense tied to memory.
How true...

I was reading tonight, finishing Breaking Dawn for the third time.
Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with thoughts of the coming week. Of the planned meetings with Bubbe. The hopeful/tentative plans with Seth. The cafe and open mic on Wednesday. The uncertainty of Thursday, with the hope of some laundry getting done. The conference this weekend with the 20's in the area.
Thoughts of Jenn and Hart. Of Jackie. Heather. Of my family. Crystal. My friends in Tampa. Britta.
Thoughts of my lack of a job. Of a life.
And I felt...sad...frustrated...almost hopeless. Almost like I was alone in all of it. In all of my wanting to do something...to truly go somewhere with my life...and with my inability to seem to make that happen.

I'm not alone. I know and understand this. I have amazing friends and family. There is not a doubt in my mind that I'm never alone.

But I felt alone, just for that fleeting second.
I missed my life. My security. My independence.

A fraction of a second found me with my face buried in the binding of the book, a habit I'm not sure where I acquired, but one that comforts me nonetheless. Because the friend I borrowed the book from smokes, my nostrils were quickly filled with the faint smell of cigarette smoke.

In a flash, I was no longer standing in my bedroom at 2am, thinking about the things that weren't in order in my life.

I was at Travis' house, sitting on his bed watching a movie, while he played games on his computer and fixed mine.
I was standing in my kitchen, cooking dinner and yelling back and forth through the open door and windows with my group of friends on the balcony.
I was at Ballast with Lucy and Chris and even Rob, watching our makeshift bonfires and walking down the pier.
I was sitting on the sofa in my apartment, playfully closing the curtains as the boys stood outside smoking, using wireless remotes to play video games.
I was at Kelsie's house, talking and giggling and gossiping.
I was walking to the store with Mike, buying diapers for the kids he was babysitting and laughing at the looks other customers were giving us.
I was lounging at the pool at Camden, laughing and screaming and throwing handfuls of ice back at the boys.
I was leaning against the railing on my porch, giggling at the boys and throwing pennies down into the night below, making the frogs jump across the courtyard.
I was walking through Busch Gardens with Travis, as he pretended to be in the area thanks to a local cruise or group trip, just to bum a smoke off a stranger.
I was with Lucy and Chris and Rob again at Starbucks, all of us drinking coffee and talking about anything and everything...and nothing.
I was in my bed, curling up in Gary's arms when he crawled in next to me after locking the door for the night.

And...while there was a slight sting, because I suddenly realized that none of those memories involved Crystal... I was amazed.
Amazed that all that it took to throw me back to so many happy memories was that faint whiff of smoke.
In that split second, I forgot everything else. I forgot the feelings of failure and frustration and sorrow and worthlessness.
All I could remember were the good times. All the days I'd joked with my friends, asking them if they were trying to kill me with all the secondhand smoke.

I never thought that the thought of a cigarette would make me smile. Make me happy. Make me remember days when things were hard, but OK.
And then make me remember what I have.
My parents. My brothers. My sister. My grandmother. The rest of my large, crazy, dysfunctional family whom I love dearly.
Jenn. Jackie. Hart. The rest of my congregation, and the lifelong friends and allies I have found there.
Heather. Britta. Danielle. Mike. Rafael. All the friends who have come into my life over the last almost-25 years and who prove, time and time again, that hey are always there for me.
Alan. Ashley. Krow. Kelsie. Chris. Lucy. Mike. Gary. Everyone in Tampa who accepted me into their group, who made me feel at home, who were there for that happy summer, became my family, and supported me as I crashed and burned.

Suddenly, life wasn't so bad.
Everything was OK. Bearable. Not as bad as it had seemed just moments before.

Because I realized...
No matter where I am, who I'm with, how I'm feeling... Regardless of whether or not I'm employed or I own my own car... Completely independent of my ability to financially (or even emotionally, some days) support myself...

I am never alone.

I have been blessed beyond all measure with friends and family who love me. Who are there for me. Who will always stand beside me, no matter what's happening.

I invariably respond to the question "What's your worst fear?" with the response "That something terrible would happen to the people I love." That sentence is always followed by the addition "And being alone forever."
Tonight I realize that, regardless of whether not the good Lord sees fit to fulfill my desire to share my life and passion with a good man...
I will not be alone forever.

Funny that the "tool" I needed to have that particular revelation was the fading odor of someone's habitual smoking...

Riding the Roller Coaster of My Life

Well...life takes some pretty crazy turns. And I'm not quite sure what's going on anymore.
Between my car not working, getting fired from my job, being frustrated with bills piling up... There's so much going on that I can't catch my breath anymore. And...it just keeps coming.

Gary's living with me now. And...catching me completely off guard...he and I may very well move to Manchester together at Christmas. I'm not making it public...and I'm only telling select people...but it's a very real possibility right now.

*sigh*

I'm much more calm than I should be...but I'm definitely feeling the strain of having no money coming in, but needing to pay bills. I also have to find an apartment for Gary and I in CT, so that we can move in once we get there. Which means that he and I need to save up enough money to move in 7 weeks. Plus line up jobs for once we get up there. And, oh, right, neither of us is working at the moment. And the cheaper options for this move are impossible because of the fact that the car isn't working... And while I want to fix it, I don't have the money to. And I can't sell it, because it will then leave me without a car once I get up to CT. Besides...between Gary and Sergio...the car should be able to be fixed relatively quickly once we move... But the moving up there is going to KILL ME in costs...

Grr... Sometimes I think I should listen to Mom and just marry for money. Life would be a hell of a lot easier that way... :-P

And we're not even going to go into my whole "no, I don't have a crush on Gary, even though we act like we're dating" situation.

*sigh* The thought of leaving here is both exciting and scary. Because...I miss my family and friends back home...and it will be nice to be near them. But...leaving here...leaving my friends and "family" here...will kill me. *sigh* Why can't I have them all in one place????


The last month has been a true test in faith for me... Faith that my bills will be paid. Faith that my needs will be met. Faith that...in spite of everything...what has been happening is truly what will be best for my life.
It's harder than it seems...