I’ve been floundering around for a while, trying to figure out myself and my life and where I’m going and what I’m doing in this world. I’ve been trying to come to terms with part of myself that I’m uncomfortable with. Trying to make myself ok with parts of myself I’ve been too scared to express for far too long. Trying to believe that it’s OK to have an opinion. That there’s nothing wrong with chasing down the things I want, the people I want, the dreams I’ve had. Trying to remind myself that it’s OK to have and improve and use this brain in my head.
Trying to convince myself that my personality is my personality and that it’s ok. That it won't hinder any friendships or new relationships or even just negatively impact anyone's opinion of me.
I don’t know what I’m so afraid of.
I’ve been me for the last 25 and a half years. Why should I be afraid of me? Or more accurately… Why am I so afraid to be me?
I’ve always been one to keep the peace. I like it that way. Tell me what it takes to make you happy, and as long as it’s not unreasonable, I’ll do it. And if I’m not sure what you want to do, I’ll just pretend like I don’t care at all. It’s not that I want to seem like an indecisive airhead (which, I realize, is what happens) - it’s that I’d rather not have a strong opinion than have one you don’t like. I’m also known to agree to do something I don’t really want to do. Because I’d rather do that than have you not like what I want.
I’m not sure why I’m like this.
I don’t know why I’m afraid of my own opinions.
Or why I’m afraid to be proactive. I mean…it shouldn’t be so difficult for me to just go for what I want. So…why is it? Why am I afraid of seeming push or clingy whenever I want to initiate any sort of social interaction? Isn’t wanting to see each other often kind of a big part of friendship?
And since when is intelligence a bad thing? How come I’m afraid to sound smart sometimes? Do I really think that the fact that I have a brain and am going to school will count against me in forming any relationships?
I don’t know why I’m so insecure. I really don’t have any reason to be. I’ve got great friends and a huge but very supportive family. I’ve never had anyone say they thought opinions, proactivity, or intelligence were bad things.
So why do I think so? My friends are amazing people. Some of them have been around since I was a kid. Some have been friends since high school or college. Some from various jobs. And some of my closest friends are from the roughest time in my life. They’ve seen me at my best. Seen me at my worst. Laughed with me; cried with me. Stayed at my house; let me stay at theirs.
If I’ve managed to find friends who can stand by me as I lose my job, my car, my apartment, my independence, and my pride… Why do I think they won’t want me to be strong, independent, intelligent, and decisive? And why do I think I can’t find new friends who will do the same?
I mean… Any real friends would love me regardless.
…Right?
3 comments:
wow. very powerful stuff. To be honest, I feel like a lot of things in life are very unpredictable. Related to your post.. its hard to know who you'll meet or how much you can trust those you meet. you might meet someone new tomorrow who would fill out all the categories you're looking for.. someone that loves you for who you are completely (i personally think your significant other should fit this mold)... or you may meet this person 1-5 years from now.. no one knows... but in the meantime.. i personally live by the belief that I should just continue being who I am in life.. I know i have many many flaws.. but who doesn't have them? no one in life is perfect in the sense that EVERYONE loves everything about a certain person.. instead.. i think you should continue to be who you are.. and that will hopefully attract similar minded people to you. don't know anyone like this? venture out and make new friends. If you constantly filter yourself to make others agree with you or to seem agreeable yourself, you're just not being yourself.. and that is really tolling.. i wish you the best Kim.
best regards,
Christopher
I do love you regardless, and I hope you've reached a point where you can be all open and you with me. But I understand if you haven't, because I'm not always open and me with you, either.
You're not alone in your insecurities and keep-the-peace-ities. I've always been the same way, which is probably why we have so much making decisions when we're together - neither of us want to make the wrong decision so we go back and forth forever.
Maybe we should start taking turns making decisions. I think it will be your turn first - unless it's easy then I'll gladly go first :-)
*so much trouble making decisions
I usually mistype, but leaving out a whole word - wow, go me!
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