I'm feeling like it's time for a moment of vulnerability. (Please excuse my rambling nature...)
I call this poem Always Been, though I'm still not entirely convinced that's the real title. It was written at about 3:00am on 7/11/10. At that time, Aaron and I were talking, but not dating. Yet. At least not officially.
I've held this poem close to my heart for a long time now, and as Aaron and I are nearing our third anniversary together, I realize just how true these words are. Always have been. And always will be.
Two "background" things, for those of you who may not know -
First. The "Bachelor Relationship" mentioned is Mom's reference to the oh-so-popular reality show. Where all the women fall head-over-heels with one man - not because he's the best match for them, but because he's the only option there.
Second. I met Aaron around the Christmas of...1996? 1997? My gosh...has it really been that long? Anyway... By the end of the day, I knew I was a goner. I spent the next eight years regularly visiting my grandmother, whose church was led by none other than Aaron's dad. And trying to get him to see me too. We became friends. He became my best friend. He fell for someone else. We stopped talking. Life happened. We both dated other people. But always, in the back of my head, was this recognition that I'd already fallen for someone as hard as I was ever going to fall. And that made it hard to really open up to anyone else. And then after almost six years of silence, one spring day, out of the blue, we started talking again. Every day. All day. This was written about two and a half months later. As my mother was trying to make sure I wasn't setting myself up for heartbreak. A week before I'd buy a same-day ticket and travel 900 miles to show up his door and make myself impossible to ignore. And about two weeks before he and I finally decided to call this thing love.
And boy, am I glad we did...
Always Been
I was talking with my mom today,
Discussing relationships
And passion
And why I could never be with someone
I wasn’t passionate about.
How I can’t do things halfway,
And how I need to be lost,
Completely, totally, ridiculously
Head-over-heels, gone
For the man I want to be with.
Mom asks if I feel that way with you.
Am I really passionate about you?
Or am I just forcing myself into
What she calls “a bachelor relationship,”
Where I’ll fall in love with you
Because you’re the only option I’m allowed?
I pause.
I’m not sure what to say.
Because, for the first time
In a very, very long time,
My words fail me.
I don’t know how to explain it to her.
I can’t get my thoughts into words.
I can’t make my vocabulary cooperate
The way I normally do.
I usually have a firm grasp on
The things I’m trying to say,
And the words with which to convey
Everything that’s on my mind.
But today,
That’s gone.
I open my mouth to answer,
But nothing comes out.
My own thoughts don’t make sense.
I want to say how great you are.
I want to tell her
About how easy it is to just be me with you.
I want to confide in her
All the little things I love about you.
I want to share with her
How much you push me to be better,
Whether it’s intentional or not.
I want her to hear
How much you make me laugh.
I want to make her see
The man I see in you.
I want her to understand
The things I’ve been learning
Both from and about you.
I want her to see in my eyes
And hear in my voice
Just how much the thought of you
Drives me crazy
In all the right ways.
But I can’t seem to form any real thoughts.
So I know Mom just won’t understand.
Because
Even I don’t understand what I’m trying to say.
Just that…
It’s always been you.
When I first met you,
And realized that
You were something special –
Someone I didn’t want to let go.
When we became close friends,
And you were the rock I leaned on,
My safe harbor when I needed
The truth
Or a laugh
Or just a good song to listen to.
Despite the other guys,
The crushes and the boyfriends,
The kisses and the embraces,
And the times spent just being
In other men’s arms.
Through your other girlfriends,
And the days that turned into weeks
That turned from months into years
When, not only did we not spend time together,
We didn’t even speak.
In spite of the times I tried
(In vain)
To speed down the highway,
Hoping to outrun the memory of you.
After I spent countless nights
Lying awake in bed,
Mourning the loss of the you I’d always loved.
Even now, as we stumble our way
Through this clumsily choreographed
But still beautiful dance
That our relationship has become.
It’s always been you.
And I don’t know how to say it any other way.
So I close my mouth
And let the conversation die.
My silent thoughts
Are going to have to be enough;
At least for now.
But hours later,
Lying in bed;
With thoughts from the day
Flooding over me,
Four words echo incessantly in my mind.
Four words I can’t forget.
Four words I’m suddenly realizing
Are so very true,
Regardless of what may
Or may not come of this.
It’s always been you.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Adventures in Cajun Cooking
So the last few months have been pretty crazy... Aaron's mother, sister, and cousin came to spend Thanksgiving here in South Carolina. In December, we went to Florida to spend Christmas with my family. In January, Aaron was in his friend's wedding. Mid-March we moved into our own apartment in the Manchesteresque city of Spartanburg, and now we just got back from a week and a half in Connecticut with my family. We've obviously been cooking during all that time, but it's been lots of "tried and true" basics, and not a lot of fun new things. So after a long break from "explorative cooking," I finally got adventurous a couple weeks ago.
As you may know, Aaron and his family are originally from southwest Louisiana, making Cajun cooking a favorite of his. I felt bad about the fact that Aaron has had so little true Cajun food recently - partly because his mother has been away, caring for her father, and partly because I'm a clueless Puerto Rican Jewish Yankee. :-P
Anyway... When we moved, I decided to purchase a Louisiana Cajun Deck O' Meals ($8 including shipping). It's literally a deck of cards, with each card containing a different recipe, and it comes in a box with a magnet on the back - perfect for keeping it on the fridge. Well, a few Sundays ago, Aaron was working, and I decided to make him a nice Cajun meal to eat once he got off work. I chose Jambalaya and the Betcha Can't Eat Just One Biscuits (which I was assured was a quite accurate name).
I was very nervous about this meal, moreso than almost any meal I've ever cooked, because my man knows his Cajun food, and I've quite literally never had it before in my life.
The recipes are VERY easy, and came out DELICIOUS in the end. Though, I do have to say that I was agonizing so much about the jambalaya and its flavor and consistency (which was totally unnecessary - it came out perfect) that I completely spaced out while making the biscuits. In hindsight, "4 cups Bisquick" should have been my hint, but I was so consumed with nervousness about the jambalaya that I paid zero attention to the quantity of ingredients in the biscuits.
Fast forward ten minutes to an I Love Lucy-like moment, as I'm pulling every possible baking sheet and cake pan out of the drawers, in an attempt to bake all of the biscuits at once. While the title is very accurate (I believe I ate 4), I probably could have done without the three dozen biscuits the recipe made.
So, note to self: The recipes come out delicious, but I may need to pay more attention to quantity in the future, or else I'll have enough food for the entire city before I know it. :-P
As you may know, Aaron and his family are originally from southwest Louisiana, making Cajun cooking a favorite of his. I felt bad about the fact that Aaron has had so little true Cajun food recently - partly because his mother has been away, caring for her father, and partly because I'm a clueless Puerto Rican Jewish Yankee. :-P
Anyway... When we moved, I decided to purchase a Louisiana Cajun Deck O' Meals ($8 including shipping). It's literally a deck of cards, with each card containing a different recipe, and it comes in a box with a magnet on the back - perfect for keeping it on the fridge. Well, a few Sundays ago, Aaron was working, and I decided to make him a nice Cajun meal to eat once he got off work. I chose Jambalaya and the Betcha Can't Eat Just One Biscuits (which I was assured was a quite accurate name).
I was very nervous about this meal, moreso than almost any meal I've ever cooked, because my man knows his Cajun food, and I've quite literally never had it before in my life.
The recipes are VERY easy, and came out DELICIOUS in the end. Though, I do have to say that I was agonizing so much about the jambalaya and its flavor and consistency (which was totally unnecessary - it came out perfect) that I completely spaced out while making the biscuits. In hindsight, "4 cups Bisquick" should have been my hint, but I was so consumed with nervousness about the jambalaya that I paid zero attention to the quantity of ingredients in the biscuits.
Fast forward ten minutes to an I Love Lucy-like moment, as I'm pulling every possible baking sheet and cake pan out of the drawers, in an attempt to bake all of the biscuits at once. While the title is very accurate (I believe I ate 4), I probably could have done without the three dozen biscuits the recipe made.
So, note to self: The recipes come out delicious, but I may need to pay more attention to quantity in the future, or else I'll have enough food for the entire city before I know it. :-P
Thursday, March 7, 2013
I'm Gonna Get Brave...
Next on my "To Try" list... This amazing-looking Baked Mushroom Risotto.
I've always loved risotto, and I love the flavor of mushrooms, but I've always been nervous about trying to make my own risotto. It just seems like a very technical and difficult dish, and I haven't been brave enough to attempt it yet.
Stay tuned, and in the next couple weeks I'll tell you how it turns out. :-P
I've always loved risotto, and I love the flavor of mushrooms, but I've always been nervous about trying to make my own risotto. It just seems like a very technical and difficult dish, and I haven't been brave enough to attempt it yet.
Stay tuned, and in the next couple weeks I'll tell you how it turns out. :-P
Friday, October 12, 2012
One filling, two meats, and three happy eaters
Last week, I decided to pull out one of those giant frozen bags of fish that Aaron's dad bought a couple weeks ago. I'd been procrastinating because it was a bag of tilapia, which isn't exactly my favorite fish, and I am always reluctant to cook things I won't enjoy. In an effort to find something more appealing to do with the tilapia, I found a recipe online (Pinterest again) that I was actually excited to try. It's a Broccoli-Stuffed Sole (though, obviously, I made substitutions right off the bat).
The filling is delicious, made with chive & onion cream cheese, broccoli, stuffing, and Parmesan cheese. The sauce is more chive & onion cream cheese, with a tiny bit of white wine and milk.
When I tried to wrap the tilapia around the filling, I will admit to having difficulty. The filets, while thin, were not long enough to comfortably wrap around a good spoonful of the filling.
The finished product was very good, especially with a side of yellow rice (that recipe has been passed down in my family for years, and is much more about taste than portions) and green beans. For Aaron, whose favorite fish is tilapia, this was a great meal. For me, whose favorite fish is salmon, it was tasty, but not something I'd run off and tell people about. (Then again, nothing with tilapia is that good to me.)
When I made the filling originally, I doubled it, because I needed twice as many pieces of fish. Turns out, because I had so much trouble filling the tilapia, I ended up with over half the stuffing leftover.
Wednesday night, upon realizing I had rapidly expiring chicken breast filets sitting right next to the leftover filling, I had an idea - why not try again??
So I repeated the recipe, with the same filling and more sauce, but this time with chicken instead of fish. The end result was delicious. The filling kept the chicken nice and moist, and the subtle chicken flavor complimented the onions and broccoli in the filling in a much more satisfying way than the tilapia did for me. Aaron, his uncle, and I cleaned our plates of the chicken (this time with salad and green beans). This time, I actually found myself wanting more, rather than leaving half for Aaron, like I did with the fish.
All in all, this recipe is a DEFINITE win, both for tilapia and for chicken lovers. Yay!!
The filling is delicious, made with chive & onion cream cheese, broccoli, stuffing, and Parmesan cheese. The sauce is more chive & onion cream cheese, with a tiny bit of white wine and milk.
When I tried to wrap the tilapia around the filling, I will admit to having difficulty. The filets, while thin, were not long enough to comfortably wrap around a good spoonful of the filling.
The finished product was very good, especially with a side of yellow rice (that recipe has been passed down in my family for years, and is much more about taste than portions) and green beans. For Aaron, whose favorite fish is tilapia, this was a great meal. For me, whose favorite fish is salmon, it was tasty, but not something I'd run off and tell people about. (Then again, nothing with tilapia is that good to me.)
When I made the filling originally, I doubled it, because I needed twice as many pieces of fish. Turns out, because I had so much trouble filling the tilapia, I ended up with over half the stuffing leftover.
Wednesday night, upon realizing I had rapidly expiring chicken breast filets sitting right next to the leftover filling, I had an idea - why not try again??
So I repeated the recipe, with the same filling and more sauce, but this time with chicken instead of fish. The end result was delicious. The filling kept the chicken nice and moist, and the subtle chicken flavor complimented the onions and broccoli in the filling in a much more satisfying way than the tilapia did for me. Aaron, his uncle, and I cleaned our plates of the chicken (this time with salad and green beans). This time, I actually found myself wanting more, rather than leaving half for Aaron, like I did with the fish.
All in all, this recipe is a DEFINITE win, both for tilapia and for chicken lovers. Yay!!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
I think I'll call it "Delicious Chicken" and leave it at that
Last week, I decided to get creative and try a new recipe off
Pinterest. I was hoping for something that would be delicious, yet
simple, while still being elegant enough to give me an excuse to pull
out the candles I've got stashed away and have a nice, romantic dinner
with Aaron.
What I ended up choosing was a recipe titled Dijon Chicken Linguine with Chanterelle. The first thing I should say is that both Aaron and I HATE almonds, so that part of the recipe got nixed very quickly. Also, it's next to impossible to find chanterelle mushrooms (which I'd never even heard of, just for the record) in this teensy-weensy town I live in, so we substituted a pack of sliced baby bellas, which are Aaron's favorite.
The rest of the recipe was ridiculously easy. Pan-fry chicken, salt, pepper, and garlic until the chicken is cooked. Make a white wine, dijon mustard, and cream sauce. Add mushrooms, and serve over cooked linguine. DONE!!
The hardest part for me was having the patience to let the chicken cook in the pan.
Aaron LOVED the meal. I'm not a huge mustard fan, so it was a tiny bit...dijon-y for me, but still very tasty AND!! It looked really pretty on a plate (though it probably would have looked better if I'd actually remembered the salad I'd meant to serve with it), helping me to feel like I was really having a nice dinner with my man, instead of our usual "What random thing should we cook tonight" fare.
All in all, an absolutely delicious (and incredibly) simple meal that I'll definitely be cooking again.
Happy faces all around!!!
What I ended up choosing was a recipe titled Dijon Chicken Linguine with Chanterelle. The first thing I should say is that both Aaron and I HATE almonds, so that part of the recipe got nixed very quickly. Also, it's next to impossible to find chanterelle mushrooms (which I'd never even heard of, just for the record) in this teensy-weensy town I live in, so we substituted a pack of sliced baby bellas, which are Aaron's favorite.
The rest of the recipe was ridiculously easy. Pan-fry chicken, salt, pepper, and garlic until the chicken is cooked. Make a white wine, dijon mustard, and cream sauce. Add mushrooms, and serve over cooked linguine. DONE!!
The hardest part for me was having the patience to let the chicken cook in the pan.
Aaron LOVED the meal. I'm not a huge mustard fan, so it was a tiny bit...dijon-y for me, but still very tasty AND!! It looked really pretty on a plate (though it probably would have looked better if I'd actually remembered the salad I'd meant to serve with it), helping me to feel like I was really having a nice dinner with my man, instead of our usual "What random thing should we cook tonight" fare.
All in all, an absolutely delicious (and incredibly) simple meal that I'll definitely be cooking again.
Happy faces all around!!!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
A New Direction. (Maybe)
Well, there's no two ways about it - I'm a terrible blogger. I wish I was dedicated enough to sit down at my desk and write about my thoughts and my day and what's new in my life. But alas, that "Oomph" that I started out with a couple years ago has faded away.
I think part of the reason behind that is because, at the time when I wrote here the most, I was in what I commonly refer to as my "Stupid Period," but am starting to realize was probably my "Searching Phase." For the year before Tampa, the year in Tampa, and the first couple years after Tampa, I was really searching... Searching for the things I was passionate about, for the place that I could call home, for love, for myself. And I wrote because I needed an outlet - I needed a place to be intimate and open and even afraid, if that's what was going on.
I feel like I've answered most of those questions now. I'm not searching so much anymore. Don't get me wrong - I believe that I'll never have all the answers, and I'll always be looking for something, to some degree. But I'm in a pretty good place right now, and I don't really need the outlet anymore. I've found myself in a relationship that is so much more than I ever could have dreamed of, and I don't need to type my random thoughts and fears and emotions anymore. I get to just open my mouth and share them.
Which brings me back to the title of this entry - I think I'm going to take this blog in a new direction. Because there are still things I want to share - they're just not the things I thought they'd be.
See, I've found that I love to cook. Love it. While I will admit to sometimes saying "Oh, that is SO not happening - we're ordering pizza," most nights I actually look forward to cooking dinner after work. It's like I've discovered this completely new side of myself - this part of me that takes my love of food and blends that passion with my creative side and with my desire to take care of the man who means so much to me. And what better way to express all those things than cooking?
And cook I have. I've been buying cookbooks, scouring the internet, and spending hours hunched over the Pinterest app on my phone, making note of literally hundreds of recipes I can't wait to try.
And every time I find a recipe I love (or Aaron loves), or we go to a great (or a terrible) new restaurant, I want to tell people about it! I want to share with others this great new discovery I've made!! It's my way of taking care of everyone - because I've realized that that's what cooking is to me. Taking care of the people I care about - taking care of their most basic need - in the most enjoyable, creative, tasty way possible.
So I think I'm going to head in that direction with this blog. I'm going to start blogging about the recipes I'm trying. The restaurants I'm going to. The meals that came out great, and the ones that crashed and burned. And maybe even giving you (however many of you are actually out there reading this) a glimpse into my life at the same time.
Wish me luck!
And please, feel free to share or link to any recommended recipes that YOU happen to find/love along the way!!
~ Kim
I think part of the reason behind that is because, at the time when I wrote here the most, I was in what I commonly refer to as my "Stupid Period," but am starting to realize was probably my "Searching Phase." For the year before Tampa, the year in Tampa, and the first couple years after Tampa, I was really searching... Searching for the things I was passionate about, for the place that I could call home, for love, for myself. And I wrote because I needed an outlet - I needed a place to be intimate and open and even afraid, if that's what was going on.
I feel like I've answered most of those questions now. I'm not searching so much anymore. Don't get me wrong - I believe that I'll never have all the answers, and I'll always be looking for something, to some degree. But I'm in a pretty good place right now, and I don't really need the outlet anymore. I've found myself in a relationship that is so much more than I ever could have dreamed of, and I don't need to type my random thoughts and fears and emotions anymore. I get to just open my mouth and share them.
Which brings me back to the title of this entry - I think I'm going to take this blog in a new direction. Because there are still things I want to share - they're just not the things I thought they'd be.
See, I've found that I love to cook. Love it. While I will admit to sometimes saying "Oh, that is SO not happening - we're ordering pizza," most nights I actually look forward to cooking dinner after work. It's like I've discovered this completely new side of myself - this part of me that takes my love of food and blends that passion with my creative side and with my desire to take care of the man who means so much to me. And what better way to express all those things than cooking?
And cook I have. I've been buying cookbooks, scouring the internet, and spending hours hunched over the Pinterest app on my phone, making note of literally hundreds of recipes I can't wait to try.
And every time I find a recipe I love (or Aaron loves), or we go to a great (or a terrible) new restaurant, I want to tell people about it! I want to share with others this great new discovery I've made!! It's my way of taking care of everyone - because I've realized that that's what cooking is to me. Taking care of the people I care about - taking care of their most basic need - in the most enjoyable, creative, tasty way possible.
So I think I'm going to head in that direction with this blog. I'm going to start blogging about the recipes I'm trying. The restaurants I'm going to. The meals that came out great, and the ones that crashed and burned. And maybe even giving you (however many of you are actually out there reading this) a glimpse into my life at the same time.
Wish me luck!
And please, feel free to share or link to any recommended recipes that YOU happen to find/love along the way!!
~ Kim
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Let's Call the Last Few Months My "Sabbatical"
So yes, it's been forever since I've written. And honestly, that drives me nuts. I've been feeling this insane need to write for a while now, but just keep putting it off.
Maybe the main reason I've been procrastinating is that I feel like I should have something significant to write about. And then I stop and realize that I do have something significant to write about. I have LOTS of significant things to write about! My life has changed so very drastically in the last three and a half months that it's hard to believe it's my life. And yet... It's all happened so smoothly (or maybe just so incredibly quickly) that I haven't even noticed just how much has happened.
Since December, I've graduated from MCC (finally!!), spent Hanukkah with my family and synagogue, moved 900 miles away, celebrated Christmas with Aaron's family, got a new job, went to visit Crystal, got Cooper back, and got a new phone.
I get up in the morning, take Cooper out, and shower. I head to Aaron's house, where I work from the comfort of the bedroom that used to belong to one of my best friends. I fix dinner for Aaron and I while he finishes working, and then we just hang out for the evening, often going for a walk and then watching movies or playing video games. Saturday is "our" day, and Sunday is church. And through it all, I keep waiting for my real life to start. I keep thinking that there's no way this is all my life, and there must be something that I have to go back to. I keep feeling like I'm dreaming, and I'm just moments from waking up. I keep waiting to be back in CT, still in school, unemployed, and single. But (but!) none of that is true! And I have to (get to?) remind myself of that daily.
And maybe that's the most significant thing to be writing about - the realization that my life, for once, is going so well that I feel like I'm living in a dream. Sure, there are rough times. There are times when I miss my family and friends. There are days when I miss teaching. There are nights when I hate my dog for having to pee at 2:30am. There are frustrating moments and even times when I'm sad. But I still love my life. So much so that I'm afraid it isn't real.
And that's a great thought.
Maybe the main reason I've been procrastinating is that I feel like I should have something significant to write about. And then I stop and realize that I do have something significant to write about. I have LOTS of significant things to write about! My life has changed so very drastically in the last three and a half months that it's hard to believe it's my life. And yet... It's all happened so smoothly (or maybe just so incredibly quickly) that I haven't even noticed just how much has happened.
Since December, I've graduated from MCC (finally!!), spent Hanukkah with my family and synagogue, moved 900 miles away, celebrated Christmas with Aaron's family, got a new job, went to visit Crystal, got Cooper back, and got a new phone.
I get up in the morning, take Cooper out, and shower. I head to Aaron's house, where I work from the comfort of the bedroom that used to belong to one of my best friends. I fix dinner for Aaron and I while he finishes working, and then we just hang out for the evening, often going for a walk and then watching movies or playing video games. Saturday is "our" day, and Sunday is church. And through it all, I keep waiting for my real life to start. I keep thinking that there's no way this is all my life, and there must be something that I have to go back to. I keep feeling like I'm dreaming, and I'm just moments from waking up. I keep waiting to be back in CT, still in school, unemployed, and single. But (but!) none of that is true! And I have to (get to?) remind myself of that daily.
And maybe that's the most significant thing to be writing about - the realization that my life, for once, is going so well that I feel like I'm living in a dream. Sure, there are rough times. There are times when I miss my family and friends. There are days when I miss teaching. There are nights when I hate my dog for having to pee at 2:30am. There are frustrating moments and even times when I'm sad. But I still love my life. So much so that I'm afraid it isn't real.
And that's a great thought.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Things I Need to Do Before I Leave New England This Winter...
- Go to the Big E
- Take a walk down the hiking trail near my house and get lots of pictures
- Visit with all my friends in the area at least once more
- Visit my favorite little local restaurants and bakeries
- Copy my favorite recipes from my mom's recipe box
- Go to the Book Barn one last time
...Any other suggestions?
- Take a walk down the hiking trail near my house and get lots of pictures
- Visit with all my friends in the area at least once more
- Visit my favorite little local restaurants and bakeries
- Copy my favorite recipes from my mom's recipe box
- Go to the Book Barn one last time
...Any other suggestions?
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Reflections
I've been feeling this incredible urge to write lately. Like, it's been driving me nuts, and I've been ignoring it, hoping it will go away. It's not that I don't want to write - it's just that I keep coming back to the same thing, and I feel like I've said it before. I'm not sure if I have or not, but I feel like I have, and I don't want to come across as a parrot.
But... A month later, with the same thoughts running through my head, I feel like maybe I need to get this out...
I've been listening to the Eli Young Band song Guinevere a lot. Partly because it's the alarm tone on my phone, so I get to hear it whenever I have to wake up or get something done; but also partly because I just can't get parts of it out of my head.
The beginning of the chorus especially gets into my mind. "For as much as she stumbles, she's running; For as much as she runs, she's still here."
For some reason, those words always make me think back on my own past, and how the things in my own life have laid the foundation for me to be where I am right now.
"For as much as she stumbles, she's running."
There have definitely been times in my life when I was stumbling, and even falling. There were times when I made terrible decisions that turned my life upside-down and drove me to my knees. But... I needed those times. Because I needed to be on my knees so that I could learn how to pick myself back up and to stand on my own two feet. And I desperately needed to be able to stand on my own two feet before I could be ready to stand next to someone worth standing next to.
"For as much as she runs, she's still here."
It's strange how sometimes life brings you around in such a neat little circle, taking you away from things and people and places in your life only to bring you right back to them in the end. I've been stupid enough to allow myself to lose some pretty important people in my life. I've been foolish enough to forget the way certain places I've been have made me feel. But now that I'm on the other side...now that those people are back and those places are in my heart again, I realize just how much I needed to lose them. Because had I not lost those people, I wouldn't hold them in such a precious place in my heart now, and I wouldn't know exactly what it's like to live without them. But because I do know, I also know what I'm willing to do to make sure that doesn't happen again. And the places... When I go back to somewhere I haven't been in a while, and realize just how much that place feels like home, even if it isn't where I grew up or anywhere I plan on being forever, I realize just how hard it is to find that feeling. And I don't want to take that for granted, either.
I guess that what I'm trying to say is that the more things progress in my life, the more I realize that I was looking at my past completely backwards. Because I always assumed that my life was moving forwards in the good times and completely stalled in the bad times. And maybe, in an overall sense, that's true. I did move forward, bit by bit, on the days when I was laughing and smiling and feeling like I had it all figured out. But the greatest growth in my life, the times I learned the most about myself and what I want in my life, those were sudden leaps that happened seemingly overnight - and they always happened during or immediately following those times in my life when I felt like I'd hit rock-bottom.
I'm not sure why I felt so compelled to write an entry like this. I feel like, when I look at my life and at how amazing everything is right now, this seems rather down.
I guess I'm just so very thankful for where I am right now. My sister and I are talking again. I've been with an incredible man for a year now. I have a car. I'm one semester away from my Associate's degree. In 18 weeks, I'll be closing this chapter in my life and running headlong into something new. And those are all things that I am so excited about. And...they're all things that I don't think I'd be able to say I have, had I not been through the other times in my life. I honestly believe it was precisely those hardships that brought me to where I am today.
And this...
This is such a beautiful place to be.
But... A month later, with the same thoughts running through my head, I feel like maybe I need to get this out...
I've been listening to the Eli Young Band song Guinevere a lot. Partly because it's the alarm tone on my phone, so I get to hear it whenever I have to wake up or get something done; but also partly because I just can't get parts of it out of my head.
The beginning of the chorus especially gets into my mind. "For as much as she stumbles, she's running; For as much as she runs, she's still here."
For some reason, those words always make me think back on my own past, and how the things in my own life have laid the foundation for me to be where I am right now.
"For as much as she stumbles, she's running."
There have definitely been times in my life when I was stumbling, and even falling. There were times when I made terrible decisions that turned my life upside-down and drove me to my knees. But... I needed those times. Because I needed to be on my knees so that I could learn how to pick myself back up and to stand on my own two feet. And I desperately needed to be able to stand on my own two feet before I could be ready to stand next to someone worth standing next to.
"For as much as she runs, she's still here."
It's strange how sometimes life brings you around in such a neat little circle, taking you away from things and people and places in your life only to bring you right back to them in the end. I've been stupid enough to allow myself to lose some pretty important people in my life. I've been foolish enough to forget the way certain places I've been have made me feel. But now that I'm on the other side...now that those people are back and those places are in my heart again, I realize just how much I needed to lose them. Because had I not lost those people, I wouldn't hold them in such a precious place in my heart now, and I wouldn't know exactly what it's like to live without them. But because I do know, I also know what I'm willing to do to make sure that doesn't happen again. And the places... When I go back to somewhere I haven't been in a while, and realize just how much that place feels like home, even if it isn't where I grew up or anywhere I plan on being forever, I realize just how hard it is to find that feeling. And I don't want to take that for granted, either.
I guess that what I'm trying to say is that the more things progress in my life, the more I realize that I was looking at my past completely backwards. Because I always assumed that my life was moving forwards in the good times and completely stalled in the bad times. And maybe, in an overall sense, that's true. I did move forward, bit by bit, on the days when I was laughing and smiling and feeling like I had it all figured out. But the greatest growth in my life, the times I learned the most about myself and what I want in my life, those were sudden leaps that happened seemingly overnight - and they always happened during or immediately following those times in my life when I felt like I'd hit rock-bottom.
I'm not sure why I felt so compelled to write an entry like this. I feel like, when I look at my life and at how amazing everything is right now, this seems rather down.
I guess I'm just so very thankful for where I am right now. My sister and I are talking again. I've been with an incredible man for a year now. I have a car. I'm one semester away from my Associate's degree. In 18 weeks, I'll be closing this chapter in my life and running headlong into something new. And those are all things that I am so excited about. And...they're all things that I don't think I'd be able to say I have, had I not been through the other times in my life. I honestly believe it was precisely those hardships that brought me to where I am today.
And this...
This is such a beautiful place to be.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Heaven Can Wait
Well... I don't have much to say, really.
Except that I've totally rediscovered We The Kings. And that I really like them more than I thought I did. :-P
One of their songs, Heaven Can Wait, is totally "my" new song. Hehe
Except that I've totally rediscovered We The Kings. And that I really like them more than I thought I did. :-P
One of their songs, Heaven Can Wait, is totally "my" new song. Hehe
Here's a song for the nights
I think too much and
Here's a song when I imagine us together
Here's a song for when we talk too much
And I forget my words
Heaven can wait up high in the sky
It's you and I
Heaven can wait deep down in your eyes
I'm yours tonight
Lay your heart next to mine
I feel so alive
Tell me you want me to stay, forever
'Cause heaven can wait
Here's a song for the one who stole my heart
And ran so far that cupid couldn't catch her
Here's a song for the kid who aims so high
He shot her down
Heaven can wait up high in the sky
It's you and I
Heaven can wait deep down in your eyes
I'm yours tonight
Lay your heart next to mine
I feel so alive
Tell me you want me to stay forever
'Cause heaven can wait
Here's a song for the nights I drink too much
And spill my words
Heaven can wait up high in the sky
It's you and I
Heaven can wait deep down in your eyes
I'm yours tonight
Lay your heart next to mine
I feel so alive
Tell me you want me to stay forever
'Cause heaven can wait
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