Comfort In Strange Places

They say that scent is the strongest sense tied to memory.
How true...

I was reading tonight, finishing Breaking Dawn for the third time.
Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with thoughts of the coming week. Of the planned meetings with Bubbe. The hopeful/tentative plans with Seth. The cafe and open mic on Wednesday. The uncertainty of Thursday, with the hope of some laundry getting done. The conference this weekend with the 20's in the area.
Thoughts of Jenn and Hart. Of Jackie. Heather. Of my family. Crystal. My friends in Tampa. Britta.
Thoughts of my lack of a job. Of a life.
And I felt...sad...frustrated...almost hopeless. Almost like I was alone in all of it. In all of my wanting to do something...to truly go somewhere with my life...and with my inability to seem to make that happen.

I'm not alone. I know and understand this. I have amazing friends and family. There is not a doubt in my mind that I'm never alone.

But I felt alone, just for that fleeting second.
I missed my life. My security. My independence.

A fraction of a second found me with my face buried in the binding of the book, a habit I'm not sure where I acquired, but one that comforts me nonetheless. Because the friend I borrowed the book from smokes, my nostrils were quickly filled with the faint smell of cigarette smoke.

In a flash, I was no longer standing in my bedroom at 2am, thinking about the things that weren't in order in my life.

I was at Travis' house, sitting on his bed watching a movie, while he played games on his computer and fixed mine.
I was standing in my kitchen, cooking dinner and yelling back and forth through the open door and windows with my group of friends on the balcony.
I was at Ballast with Lucy and Chris and even Rob, watching our makeshift bonfires and walking down the pier.
I was sitting on the sofa in my apartment, playfully closing the curtains as the boys stood outside smoking, using wireless remotes to play video games.
I was at Kelsie's house, talking and giggling and gossiping.
I was walking to the store with Mike, buying diapers for the kids he was babysitting and laughing at the looks other customers were giving us.
I was lounging at the pool at Camden, laughing and screaming and throwing handfuls of ice back at the boys.
I was leaning against the railing on my porch, giggling at the boys and throwing pennies down into the night below, making the frogs jump across the courtyard.
I was walking through Busch Gardens with Travis, as he pretended to be in the area thanks to a local cruise or group trip, just to bum a smoke off a stranger.
I was with Lucy and Chris and Rob again at Starbucks, all of us drinking coffee and talking about anything and everything...and nothing.
I was in my bed, curling up in Gary's arms when he crawled in next to me after locking the door for the night.

And...while there was a slight sting, because I suddenly realized that none of those memories involved Crystal... I was amazed.
Amazed that all that it took to throw me back to so many happy memories was that faint whiff of smoke.
In that split second, I forgot everything else. I forgot the feelings of failure and frustration and sorrow and worthlessness.
All I could remember were the good times. All the days I'd joked with my friends, asking them if they were trying to kill me with all the secondhand smoke.

I never thought that the thought of a cigarette would make me smile. Make me happy. Make me remember days when things were hard, but OK.
And then make me remember what I have.
My parents. My brothers. My sister. My grandmother. The rest of my large, crazy, dysfunctional family whom I love dearly.
Jenn. Jackie. Hart. The rest of my congregation, and the lifelong friends and allies I have found there.
Heather. Britta. Danielle. Mike. Rafael. All the friends who have come into my life over the last almost-25 years and who prove, time and time again, that hey are always there for me.
Alan. Ashley. Krow. Kelsie. Chris. Lucy. Mike. Gary. Everyone in Tampa who accepted me into their group, who made me feel at home, who were there for that happy summer, became my family, and supported me as I crashed and burned.

Suddenly, life wasn't so bad.
Everything was OK. Bearable. Not as bad as it had seemed just moments before.

Because I realized...
No matter where I am, who I'm with, how I'm feeling... Regardless of whether or not I'm employed or I own my own car... Completely independent of my ability to financially (or even emotionally, some days) support myself...

I am never alone.

I have been blessed beyond all measure with friends and family who love me. Who are there for me. Who will always stand beside me, no matter what's happening.

I invariably respond to the question "What's your worst fear?" with the response "That something terrible would happen to the people I love." That sentence is always followed by the addition "And being alone forever."
Tonight I realize that, regardless of whether not the good Lord sees fit to fulfill my desire to share my life and passion with a good man...
I will not be alone forever.

Funny that the "tool" I needed to have that particular revelation was the fading odor of someone's habitual smoking...

A Bit Delayed...

So...the new keyboard Crystal and Joe got me... The one that malfunctioned right away and then they kept delaying sending to me, so I gave up on it? Yeah...finally got it today.
:-P

I Know There's A Thought Rolling Around There Somewhere...

Well, it's Wednesday night, and I'm sitting in the cafe. Waiting for the Open Mic night to start. Did I mention it's 7:43, and it officially starts at 7:30? And the only two people here (aside from me) are the MC and his friend?
It's ok...I'm enjoying the "quiet" time. The guys are just playing their guitars and jamming and adjusting the sound levels, and it's making nice background noise. Drowning out my own mind.
Because, between not having a job, having credit people NOT GET that I don't have money to give them, the whole Gary drama driving me up a wall (OK, so that one is mostly just me overreacting because I know exactly how precarious my own emotional stance is), living with my parents, not knowing where I'll be living in a few months, and having serious thoughts about taking on more responsibilities at the congregation, I'm going insane.

I'm also not feeling 100% today. I've been half-dizzy, half-nauseous all day. Not enough of either to do anything about it, but just enough of both to make being completely relaxed just out of reach.

Oops... One other woman just walked in.
I hate feeling obligated to talk to people... Not that I don't like people... I just hate that forced conversation that happens when you're the only ones in the room and don't want to be rude.


There's honestly not too much on my mind that I care to put down. I'm just trying to get back in to the habit of blogging every day or every other day. The goal is to eventually open up...keep a real journal... We'll see how that goes.
For now, I'm just sitting here, trying desperately to resist crawling up and sleeping on the sofa a mere 10 feet away.

Ramblings...

So I've had my "new" keyboard (really Crystal's old one) for two weeks now, and this is my first "Hey, I'm back to real blogging again" post. Because I'm lame.
Oh, and because, in spite of the fact that my life has been chaotic and crazy and far from boring, I feel like I have nothing to blog about.

EXCEPT!! The 3 Doors Down concert with Jackie last Friday was AMAZING!!! I can't even say how good she is to me and how much I appreciate her willingness to buy the tickets and pay for dinner and drive us down there. :-)

And... I'm starting to feel a lot better about being here. I actually have a semi-opportunity to go back to Tampa this summer/fall (more on that another time), and I'm seriously considering at least crunching numbers and see if it can work. But... I'm not miserable here. Mom and I are actually getting along pretty darn well. Dad's...we'll...he's my Daddy. Nick is definitely becoming the true teenager he is, but I can deal with that. And Pablo's almost never home.
And Jenn has been my saving grace. Honestly. I love my friends in Tampa, don't get me wrong...but I didn't get a lot of girl conversations. There were always guys around. Guys are nice, don't think I'm saying they're not...it's just different when it's just a couple girls spilling everything. And I realize now how much I missed that. How much I needed that. Needed to be able to just talk about myself and my insecurities and guys and love and sex and fears and religion and family and...everything. I honestly have told her things I didn't think I would ever tell anyone...She truly has become my closest friend here, and I can't be happier about it. I haven't had that since Heather lived in CT, and it's one of those things you don't know how much you missed until you get it back. And it's nice to hear another girl talk, too. Not guys...not conversations edited for guys...just girl to girl honesty. (And it's nice to sometimes have her husband around to give me a mature, halfway sane man's opinion on things...when asked. :-P )
I owe my sanity to that girl.
I really don't know what I'll do if/when she moves... (Not that I don't deserve it, after leaving myself...)

So...yeah.
I'm happy. Or at least very much working towards it.

Anyway...sleep has been immensely elusive recently...
And since I'm getting sleepy now, I'm going to try my luck at getting some shut-eye before 3am.

'Night!

Maybe I'm selfish...?

I've been toying with the thought of going back to Union.

Partly because I miss it...my friends, my family. Partly because I want to get out of this house.
But mostly because I almost feel like I owe it to my Grandma.

She'd never, ever say that to me. She's never complained about what she's done for me. She's never accepted any sort of "repayment," and she probably never will.
But in the last 14 months, she's spent easily four grand on me and my move and my bills and my rent and my going to see her for Thanksgiving and, oh right, my other move. And my storage. And the shed so I don't have to keep the storage. And the expense and labor to move things from storage in Tampa into her shed.

Quite frankly, it's embarrassing how much she's supported me throughout the last year, as I called myself an independent person.
And I feel like...after everything she's selflessly and wordlessly done for me...
the very least I can do is go live with her...be with her...give her the one thing I can give her...the only thing she'd accept...my time.


So that's been heavy on my mind lately.


Responses welcome....
:-\

*excuses, excuses*

It's been way too long, I know. And so much has happened that I don't know how I'll ever be able to recap it all...

But "most important" (in regards to why I haven't posted) is that I spilled tea onto my keyboard, and the entire bottom row quit working. So I've spent the last month or so either using the ever-so-efficient "cut and paste" method, or using the on-screen keyboard. Both of which are terribly time-consuming and annoying. So I've avoided writing. Which means I've avoided posting. Hopefully I'll be getting a new keyboard soon. My replacement for my malfunctioning replacement keyboard is supposed to be in the mail. And once I get it, I'll start posting regularly again.

I promise.

Thoughts Jotted On A Scrap Of Paper During My Flight To CT

I miss it already.

The warmth. The sunshine. The palm trees.
The insane traffic.
Ballast Point and Picnic Island.
Redington and Clearwater and Venice.
Dale Mabry and Gandy and Kennedy and Busch and Westshore and Manhattan.
The malls. Busch Gardens. The movies.

Crystal and Joe and Ashley and Alan and Krow and Gary and Mike and Marc and Cat and Lucy and Chris and Kelsie and Rob and Rhett and Kev-O and Soopa and B-Town and Hillary and P.T.
Eddy and Precious and Leonidas and Ulysses and Ares and Erebus.



Yeah, this may be pretty fucking close to rock bottom for me.
I may have lost everything.
My job
My car
My apartment
My pets
My pride and independence.
But...if I had it all to do over again...
I'd do it. Without a second thought. Because of how much I've gained. And I will not let this get me down.
I have so much to be thankful for.
I have good friends and family, who are always there for me when I need them.
I have another chance to be with my family back in CT.
I have the opportunity to be near the friends I've grown up with.
I have the luxury of having a place to stay and food to eat and people to care about me until I can get back on my feet.


I miss Tampa already.
I'm not gonna lie - I cried a little as the plane took off.
But...I'm more excited than I can express at the thought of being home again.

And, right now, all I can do is wait.
Wait impatiently for the miles to fly by underneath me, on this plane ride from one life I love to another.

*Here's to the good times & great memories to come!*

Savoring the Time I've Got

Union was a lot of fun.
I landed in Greenville at about 3:3o. The airline wouldn't let me get picked up in Charlotte, unless I wanted to cancel my flights on Sunday, so I got to take a little bitty puddle-jumper from a 45 minute flight from Charlotte to Greenville. Gramma and Uncle Kenny picked me up, and we stopped at a restaurant to grab something to eat, since I'd forgotten to eat all day.
On the way home, I called Christa and we made plans to hang out that night.

It was a lot of fun to spend time with Christa and Aaron. Especially since Aaron was acting the way he used to be. Before Kirby. And now...now he's back.

Thanksgiving was fun. We went to my Aunt Linda's. There were 8 of us and we overate and laughed and had a good time. I got to see family I haven't seen in a while, and it was nice to be with them for Thanksgiving.

Friday and Saturday, Gramma and I just took it easy. We went grocery shopping, we went on a drive to look at Christmas lights. We went to lunch and then the mall with Aunt Linda.

And then Sunday I came home.
The flight from Greenville to Charlotte was very short. And then I had a three hour layover in Charlotte. Thank God for fast food and Starbucks and Cosmo magazine to help kill the time.
That, and the movie Krow put on my computer. I got through the first half of Death Race. And loved it. It made me laugh that the guy next to me was *trying not* to watch the movie, too. I kept catching him looking over, but not wanting to be caught looking. Which is a shame...I'd have told him to grab some headsets and watch it with me, if he'd actually made eye contact...

Crystal had told me Saturday that she was working Sunday night, and wouldn't be able to pick me up at the airport. And I couldn't get in touch with Gary or Chris, and Kelsie and Ashley and Joe couldn't pick me up.
But...yet another reason I call Krow "my brudder"...he pulled through for me once again and talked an ex into picking me up and bringing me to Krow's house until Crystal could come get me. Which meant I didn't have to wait in the airport an extra two hours after landing. And I really appreciated that.


So...today, I stayed home with the dog, and when Crystal got home she announced that she had a bunch of projects to work on. So I headed over to Krow's.

And here I sit...Krow and Alan on either side of me. The boys are simultaneously playing a video game and watching Step Brothers. And I, knowing that they would be otherwise preoccupied, brought my computer to keep myself busy.
So here I sit, watching Step Brothers and blogging and sitting with "my brudders." Loving every second of it. Laughing and being silly and talking and having a good time. Knowing full well, but not wanting to acknowledge, that this is more likely than not the last time this will happen.
*sigh*

I'm thrilled about seeing my friends and family in CT again. But...I don't want to leave here.

Ugh...things are so bittersweet right now...

Really Just Another Form of Procrastination...

I know, I know...late again.

It's not my fault this time.
I've been with my grandmother since Wednesday, and there is NO wireless service in her town. Or at my aunt's house, where I spent Thanksgiving. The internet providers in the area don't even offer anything but dial-up. Welcome to Union County.
Hahaha.

Anyway...it's been a long, but fun, few days.
I'm gonna have a few hours to kill tomorrow...I'll post about all the "weekend" happenings then.

<3

Thanks for the patience...

In The Airport

Well... It's started.

I'm on the first leg of my journey.

I'm sitting in TPA now, waiting on my flight to Charlotte. Where Gramma will pick me up and take me to Union.
I'm anticipating a fun Thanksgiving weekend with friends and family I don't get to see enough.

Then it's back to Tampa on Sunday night, to spend Monday with as many people as possible, earn money Tuesday and Wednesday, and then fly back to CT on Thursday.

It's a bittersweet thing.

I'm thrilled that this part of my week-long trip home has begun...
But sad, because it means that my last week as a Floridian has also begun.


BUT...Krow fixed my computer last night. *smiles* Cuz he's awesome. There's a reason I call him my brother.