I Know There's A Thought Rolling Around There Somewhere...

Well, it's Wednesday night, and I'm sitting in the cafe. Waiting for the Open Mic night to start. Did I mention it's 7:43, and it officially starts at 7:30? And the only two people here (aside from me) are the MC and his friend?
It's ok...I'm enjoying the "quiet" time. The guys are just playing their guitars and jamming and adjusting the sound levels, and it's making nice background noise. Drowning out my own mind.
Because, between not having a job, having credit people NOT GET that I don't have money to give them, the whole Gary drama driving me up a wall (OK, so that one is mostly just me overreacting because I know exactly how precarious my own emotional stance is), living with my parents, not knowing where I'll be living in a few months, and having serious thoughts about taking on more responsibilities at the congregation, I'm going insane.

I'm also not feeling 100% today. I've been half-dizzy, half-nauseous all day. Not enough of either to do anything about it, but just enough of both to make being completely relaxed just out of reach.

Oops... One other woman just walked in.
I hate feeling obligated to talk to people... Not that I don't like people... I just hate that forced conversation that happens when you're the only ones in the room and don't want to be rude.


There's honestly not too much on my mind that I care to put down. I'm just trying to get back in to the habit of blogging every day or every other day. The goal is to eventually open up...keep a real journal... We'll see how that goes.
For now, I'm just sitting here, trying desperately to resist crawling up and sleeping on the sofa a mere 10 feet away.

Ramblings...

So I've had my "new" keyboard (really Crystal's old one) for two weeks now, and this is my first "Hey, I'm back to real blogging again" post. Because I'm lame.
Oh, and because, in spite of the fact that my life has been chaotic and crazy and far from boring, I feel like I have nothing to blog about.

EXCEPT!! The 3 Doors Down concert with Jackie last Friday was AMAZING!!! I can't even say how good she is to me and how much I appreciate her willingness to buy the tickets and pay for dinner and drive us down there. :-)

And... I'm starting to feel a lot better about being here. I actually have a semi-opportunity to go back to Tampa this summer/fall (more on that another time), and I'm seriously considering at least crunching numbers and see if it can work. But... I'm not miserable here. Mom and I are actually getting along pretty darn well. Dad's...we'll...he's my Daddy. Nick is definitely becoming the true teenager he is, but I can deal with that. And Pablo's almost never home.
And Jenn has been my saving grace. Honestly. I love my friends in Tampa, don't get me wrong...but I didn't get a lot of girl conversations. There were always guys around. Guys are nice, don't think I'm saying they're not...it's just different when it's just a couple girls spilling everything. And I realize now how much I missed that. How much I needed that. Needed to be able to just talk about myself and my insecurities and guys and love and sex and fears and religion and family and...everything. I honestly have told her things I didn't think I would ever tell anyone...She truly has become my closest friend here, and I can't be happier about it. I haven't had that since Heather lived in CT, and it's one of those things you don't know how much you missed until you get it back. And it's nice to hear another girl talk, too. Not guys...not conversations edited for guys...just girl to girl honesty. (And it's nice to sometimes have her husband around to give me a mature, halfway sane man's opinion on things...when asked. :-P )
I owe my sanity to that girl.
I really don't know what I'll do if/when she moves... (Not that I don't deserve it, after leaving myself...)

So...yeah.
I'm happy. Or at least very much working towards it.

Anyway...sleep has been immensely elusive recently...
And since I'm getting sleepy now, I'm going to try my luck at getting some shut-eye before 3am.

'Night!

Maybe I'm selfish...?

I've been toying with the thought of going back to Union.

Partly because I miss it...my friends, my family. Partly because I want to get out of this house.
But mostly because I almost feel like I owe it to my Grandma.

She'd never, ever say that to me. She's never complained about what she's done for me. She's never accepted any sort of "repayment," and she probably never will.
But in the last 14 months, she's spent easily four grand on me and my move and my bills and my rent and my going to see her for Thanksgiving and, oh right, my other move. And my storage. And the shed so I don't have to keep the storage. And the expense and labor to move things from storage in Tampa into her shed.

Quite frankly, it's embarrassing how much she's supported me throughout the last year, as I called myself an independent person.
And I feel like...after everything she's selflessly and wordlessly done for me...
the very least I can do is go live with her...be with her...give her the one thing I can give her...the only thing she'd accept...my time.


So that's been heavy on my mind lately.


Responses welcome....
:-\

*excuses, excuses*

It's been way too long, I know. And so much has happened that I don't know how I'll ever be able to recap it all...

But "most important" (in regards to why I haven't posted) is that I spilled tea onto my keyboard, and the entire bottom row quit working. So I've spent the last month or so either using the ever-so-efficient "cut and paste" method, or using the on-screen keyboard. Both of which are terribly time-consuming and annoying. So I've avoided writing. Which means I've avoided posting. Hopefully I'll be getting a new keyboard soon. My replacement for my malfunctioning replacement keyboard is supposed to be in the mail. And once I get it, I'll start posting regularly again.

I promise.

Thoughts Jotted On A Scrap Of Paper During My Flight To CT

I miss it already.

The warmth. The sunshine. The palm trees.
The insane traffic.
Ballast Point and Picnic Island.
Redington and Clearwater and Venice.
Dale Mabry and Gandy and Kennedy and Busch and Westshore and Manhattan.
The malls. Busch Gardens. The movies.

Crystal and Joe and Ashley and Alan and Krow and Gary and Mike and Marc and Cat and Lucy and Chris and Kelsie and Rob and Rhett and Kev-O and Soopa and B-Town and Hillary and P.T.
Eddy and Precious and Leonidas and Ulysses and Ares and Erebus.



Yeah, this may be pretty fucking close to rock bottom for me.
I may have lost everything.
My job
My car
My apartment
My pets
My pride and independence.
But...if I had it all to do over again...
I'd do it. Without a second thought. Because of how much I've gained. And I will not let this get me down.
I have so much to be thankful for.
I have good friends and family, who are always there for me when I need them.
I have another chance to be with my family back in CT.
I have the opportunity to be near the friends I've grown up with.
I have the luxury of having a place to stay and food to eat and people to care about me until I can get back on my feet.


I miss Tampa already.
I'm not gonna lie - I cried a little as the plane took off.
But...I'm more excited than I can express at the thought of being home again.

And, right now, all I can do is wait.
Wait impatiently for the miles to fly by underneath me, on this plane ride from one life I love to another.

*Here's to the good times & great memories to come!*

Savoring the Time I've Got

Union was a lot of fun.
I landed in Greenville at about 3:3o. The airline wouldn't let me get picked up in Charlotte, unless I wanted to cancel my flights on Sunday, so I got to take a little bitty puddle-jumper from a 45 minute flight from Charlotte to Greenville. Gramma and Uncle Kenny picked me up, and we stopped at a restaurant to grab something to eat, since I'd forgotten to eat all day.
On the way home, I called Christa and we made plans to hang out that night.

It was a lot of fun to spend time with Christa and Aaron. Especially since Aaron was acting the way he used to be. Before Kirby. And now...now he's back.

Thanksgiving was fun. We went to my Aunt Linda's. There were 8 of us and we overate and laughed and had a good time. I got to see family I haven't seen in a while, and it was nice to be with them for Thanksgiving.

Friday and Saturday, Gramma and I just took it easy. We went grocery shopping, we went on a drive to look at Christmas lights. We went to lunch and then the mall with Aunt Linda.

And then Sunday I came home.
The flight from Greenville to Charlotte was very short. And then I had a three hour layover in Charlotte. Thank God for fast food and Starbucks and Cosmo magazine to help kill the time.
That, and the movie Krow put on my computer. I got through the first half of Death Race. And loved it. It made me laugh that the guy next to me was *trying not* to watch the movie, too. I kept catching him looking over, but not wanting to be caught looking. Which is a shame...I'd have told him to grab some headsets and watch it with me, if he'd actually made eye contact...

Crystal had told me Saturday that she was working Sunday night, and wouldn't be able to pick me up at the airport. And I couldn't get in touch with Gary or Chris, and Kelsie and Ashley and Joe couldn't pick me up.
But...yet another reason I call Krow "my brudder"...he pulled through for me once again and talked an ex into picking me up and bringing me to Krow's house until Crystal could come get me. Which meant I didn't have to wait in the airport an extra two hours after landing. And I really appreciated that.


So...today, I stayed home with the dog, and when Crystal got home she announced that she had a bunch of projects to work on. So I headed over to Krow's.

And here I sit...Krow and Alan on either side of me. The boys are simultaneously playing a video game and watching Step Brothers. And I, knowing that they would be otherwise preoccupied, brought my computer to keep myself busy.
So here I sit, watching Step Brothers and blogging and sitting with "my brudders." Loving every second of it. Laughing and being silly and talking and having a good time. Knowing full well, but not wanting to acknowledge, that this is more likely than not the last time this will happen.
*sigh*

I'm thrilled about seeing my friends and family in CT again. But...I don't want to leave here.

Ugh...things are so bittersweet right now...

Really Just Another Form of Procrastination...

I know, I know...late again.

It's not my fault this time.
I've been with my grandmother since Wednesday, and there is NO wireless service in her town. Or at my aunt's house, where I spent Thanksgiving. The internet providers in the area don't even offer anything but dial-up. Welcome to Union County.
Hahaha.

Anyway...it's been a long, but fun, few days.
I'm gonna have a few hours to kill tomorrow...I'll post about all the "weekend" happenings then.

<3

Thanks for the patience...

In The Airport

Well... It's started.

I'm on the first leg of my journey.

I'm sitting in TPA now, waiting on my flight to Charlotte. Where Gramma will pick me up and take me to Union.
I'm anticipating a fun Thanksgiving weekend with friends and family I don't get to see enough.

Then it's back to Tampa on Sunday night, to spend Monday with as many people as possible, earn money Tuesday and Wednesday, and then fly back to CT on Thursday.

It's a bittersweet thing.

I'm thrilled that this part of my week-long trip home has begun...
But sad, because it means that my last week as a Floridian has also begun.


BUT...Krow fixed my computer last night. *smiles* Cuz he's awesome. There's a reason I call him my brother.

Quick and Easy

Well, it's off to Union for me tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie...I'm pretty excited. I'm gonna get to see friends and family I haven't really spent time with in months. :-)
PLUS...I'm gonna get to be on a plane again. And I get a semi-vacation.

AND it's gonna be Thanksgiving!!

The only thing is...I'm that much closer to moving back to CT.
Gary promised to visit over Christmas, and he promised that he's still planning on moving with me, too. And that will hopefully help make the transition a little less painful.
But it's still not gonna be the same...

Friday - Opposite Day

Friday.



Quite the day. But...as opposed to Thursday's "worst possible scenario" feel, Friday had the taste of a "best possible scenario" day. (At least for the most part.) And that was more refreshing than I can ever put into words.

Friday morning, I woke up around 8, but stayed in bed until I heard from Mike at about 8:45. He got to the apartment a few minutes later, and I finished cleaning the apartment while he put the last few items into the truck. After a quick dumpster run and a phone call from Gary saying he was waiting for us to pick him up down the street, we were on our way. (Let me quickly interject that I had my doubts that he'd even show up, given the fact that he's not always the most reliable person when it comes to showing up when he says he will. But I was very grateful that he did come.)

On the way to get Gary, Mike and I missed one of the turns...but, given my MUCH better spirits, it was laughed off and we continued on like nothing happened.
We picked Gary up and continued on to the storage unit.

The woman behind the counter was amazingly nice, and made sure I had everything settled and taken care of. I even had a little more money than I thought left over for gas.

The boys got to work right away, unloading the truck and getting the storage unit packed. It took about 3 hours, but we got it done.
By "we," I really mean "mostly Mike and Gary." Those boys are amazing, and they are so good to me...

Everything fit perfectly into the storage unit. And when I say "perfectly," I do mean it. The unit is practically floor-to-ceiling packed, but Gary got it organized so that everything is in there. Hahaha...I just don't want to think about unloading it just yet.

After we finished at the storage unit, Gary, Mike, and I piled into the cab of the truck and drove back to the U-Haul rental place across town. We stopped to get gas a couple blocks before the building, and the money I had left just filled the tank to where it needed to be.
Because I had reserved the truck for 10am, rented it at 1pm, and returned it at about 2pm the next day, I was seriously convinced that I'd be charged $30 for an extra day. I knew that I'd be charged for the almost 7 miles I used over the allotted 50 miles in the contract, and I thought I'd also be charged for the dolly that one of the boys used, not knowing that they were zip-tied to the walls so that I could be charged if they were moved.

HOWEVER...The guy behind the counter at the U-Haul place just checked the mileage and gas, and didn't charge me for either the used dolly or 1-3 hours that the truck was late. I ended up getting back more money than I thought I would. And I was VERY happy about that.

So happy that it didn't bother me in the least that the boys and I had a 3.5 mile walk back to my house from returning the truck.
It was a warm, sunny day. I was not tired at all, in spite of the fact that I'd only slept about 4 hours, and then unloaded the truck. And I was with the two guys who have made me laugh the most when I was feeling down in the last few months.
We stopped to get some Checkers on the way back to the apartment, and when we got home, Mike left and Gary and I just hung out for the rest of the afternoon.

After the last week, it was really nice to just lay around and relax. The apartment was all packed and cleaned, so Gary and I just talked and laughed and played around on the computer until Crystal and Joe came to get me and Marc came to get Gary.
Crystal handed me Precious (their puppy), and she and Joe got his truck packed with my things and the things they were taking pretty quickly. Then we made another quick run to the dumpster, and we were off.

The only crappy part of the day was when I realized that my computer isn't working right. When we got to Crystal and Joe's, my computer decided that it wasn't going to recognize the wireless adapter that it's been running with since...forever...and I haven't been able to get it to work since.
But...if the biggest problem I'm having right now is that I have to borrow my sister's computer to use the internet...well...I really can't complain much.


Right now, I'm very calm and yet very much FREAKING OUT.
I'm here. I'm going to Union on Wednesday, and coming back Sunday. Then I'm going to CT on Thursday, and I don't know when I'll be back. It's that simple.
But...I'm only here a limited number of days more. I can count on one hand the number of nights I'll be able to hang out with my friends here, thanks to a babysitting job I have lined up for my final two nights in Tampa.
And then it's back home.


I'm excited to be going back. Don't get me wrong. The thought of going back to my family and friends and congregation is more comforting than I thought it would be. The fact that I'll be, once again, surrounded by the people and places I grew up with is a good feeling I can't describe.
I MISS my friends and family more than I could ever put into words, and the thought of being near them all again is one that fills me with absolute ecstasy. These are people who have celebrated with me at my best, and stuck by me and loved me at my worst. These are people I have been able to count on for as long as I can remember. These are people who I have called at obscene hours of the night, heartbroken and sobbing. And they listen and care. These are people who have helped shape me into the person I am today. The BETTER person I am today, thanks to their love and kindness and influences. And I am thrilled to be going back to them.

But the thought of leaving Tampa...leaving the friends I've made here...is agonizing. I have friends and family here now, too. There are streets that are so familiar I could drive with my eyes shut. There are locations that hold innumerable memories. There are beaches that I didn't get to visit nearly enough times. There are people who have gone from strangers to friends to family in a matter of months. People who have made me laugh and seen me cry. People who I have shuttled around, and then who, in turn, lent me their cars or gave me rides when my car broke down. People who made this scary new city into a place I could be happy and fit in.


This time...instead of leaving home to brave some new frontier and form something new for myself...
This time, I'm leaving home...to go home.
This time, I'm not choosing between the comfortable and the unknown.

This time, I have to choose between two places where my heart lies equally.
This time, I have to choose between two places about which I am equally passionate, albeit in completely different ways.
This time, I have to choose between two sets of friends and family who mean the world to me and who have been there for me through thick and thin.

This time...I have to choose between home...and home.