Well... It's started.
I'm on the first leg of my journey.
I'm sitting in TPA now, waiting on my flight to Charlotte. Where Gramma will pick me up and take me to Union.
I'm anticipating a fun Thanksgiving weekend with friends and family I don't get to see enough.
Then it's back to Tampa on Sunday night, to spend Monday with as many people as possible, earn money Tuesday and Wednesday, and then fly back to CT on Thursday.
It's a bittersweet thing.
I'm thrilled that this part of my week-long trip home has begun...
But sad, because it means that my last week as a Floridian has also begun.
BUT...Krow fixed my computer last night. *smiles* Cuz he's awesome. There's a reason I call him my brother.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Quick and Easy
Well, it's off to Union for me tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie...I'm pretty excited. I'm gonna get to see friends and family I haven't really spent time with in months. :-)
PLUS...I'm gonna get to be on a plane again. And I get a semi-vacation.
AND it's gonna be Thanksgiving!!
The only thing is...I'm that much closer to moving back to CT.
Gary promised to visit over Christmas, and he promised that he's still planning on moving with me, too. And that will hopefully help make the transition a little less painful.
But it's still not gonna be the same...
I'm not gonna lie...I'm pretty excited. I'm gonna get to see friends and family I haven't really spent time with in months. :-)
PLUS...I'm gonna get to be on a plane again. And I get a semi-vacation.
AND it's gonna be Thanksgiving!!
The only thing is...I'm that much closer to moving back to CT.
Gary promised to visit over Christmas, and he promised that he's still planning on moving with me, too. And that will hopefully help make the transition a little less painful.
But it's still not gonna be the same...
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Friday - Opposite Day
Friday.
Quite the day. But...as opposed to Thursday's "worst possible scenario" feel, Friday had the taste of a "best possible scenario" day. (At least for the most part.) And that was more refreshing than I can ever put into words.
Friday morning, I woke up around 8, but stayed in bed until I heard from Mike at about 8:45. He got to the apartment a few minutes later, and I finished cleaning the apartment while he put the last few items into the truck. After a quick dumpster run and a phone call from Gary saying he was waiting for us to pick him up down the street, we were on our way. (Let me quickly interject that I had my doubts that he'd even show up, given the fact that he's not always the most reliable person when it comes to showing up when he says he will. But I was very grateful that he did come.)
On the way to get Gary, Mike and I missed one of the turns...but, given my MUCH better spirits, it was laughed off and we continued on like nothing happened.
We picked Gary up and continued on to the storage unit.
The woman behind the counter was amazingly nice, and made sure I had everything settled and taken care of. I even had a little more money than I thought left over for gas.
The boys got to work right away, unloading the truck and getting the storage unit packed. It took about 3 hours, but we got it done.
By "we," I really mean "mostly Mike and Gary." Those boys are amazing, and they are so good to me...
Everything fit perfectly into the storage unit. And when I say "perfectly," I do mean it. The unit is practically floor-to-ceiling packed, but Gary got it organized so that everything is in there. Hahaha...I just don't want to think about unloading it just yet.
After we finished at the storage unit, Gary, Mike, and I piled into the cab of the truck and drove back to the U-Haul rental place across town. We stopped to get gas a couple blocks before the building, and the money I had left just filled the tank to where it needed to be.
Because I had reserved the truck for 10am, rented it at 1pm, and returned it at about 2pm the next day, I was seriously convinced that I'd be charged $30 for an extra day. I knew that I'd be charged for the almost 7 miles I used over the allotted 50 miles in the contract, and I thought I'd also be charged for the dolly that one of the boys used, not knowing that they were zip-tied to the walls so that I could be charged if they were moved.
HOWEVER...The guy behind the counter at the U-Haul place just checked the mileage and gas, and didn't charge me for either the used dolly or 1-3 hours that the truck was late. I ended up getting back more money than I thought I would. And I was VERY happy about that.
So happy that it didn't bother me in the least that the boys and I had a 3.5 mile walk back to my house from returning the truck.
It was a warm, sunny day. I was not tired at all, in spite of the fact that I'd only slept about 4 hours, and then unloaded the truck. And I was with the two guys who have made me laugh the most when I was feeling down in the last few months.
We stopped to get some Checkers on the way back to the apartment, and when we got home, Mike left and Gary and I just hung out for the rest of the afternoon.
After the last week, it was really nice to just lay around and relax. The apartment was all packed and cleaned, so Gary and I just talked and laughed and played around on the computer until Crystal and Joe came to get me and Marc came to get Gary.
Crystal handed me Precious (their puppy), and she and Joe got his truck packed with my things and the things they were taking pretty quickly. Then we made another quick run to the dumpster, and we were off.
The only crappy part of the day was when I realized that my computer isn't working right. When we got to Crystal and Joe's, my computer decided that it wasn't going to recognize the wireless adapter that it's been running with since...forever...and I haven't been able to get it to work since.
But...if the biggest problem I'm having right now is that I have to borrow my sister's computer to use the internet...well...I really can't complain much.
Right now, I'm very calm and yet very much FREAKING OUT.
I'm here. I'm going to Union on Wednesday, and coming back Sunday. Then I'm going to CT on Thursday, and I don't know when I'll be back. It's that simple.
But...I'm only here a limited number of days more. I can count on one hand the number of nights I'll be able to hang out with my friends here, thanks to a babysitting job I have lined up for my final two nights in Tampa.
And then it's back home.
I'm excited to be going back. Don't get me wrong. The thought of going back to my family and friends and congregation is more comforting than I thought it would be. The fact that I'll be, once again, surrounded by the people and places I grew up with is a good feeling I can't describe.
I MISS my friends and family more than I could ever put into words, and the thought of being near them all again is one that fills me with absolute ecstasy. These are people who have celebrated with me at my best, and stuck by me and loved me at my worst. These are people I have been able to count on for as long as I can remember. These are people who I have called at obscene hours of the night, heartbroken and sobbing. And they listen and care. These are people who have helped shape me into the person I am today. The BETTER person I am today, thanks to their love and kindness and influences. And I am thrilled to be going back to them.
But the thought of leaving Tampa...leaving the friends I've made here...is agonizing. I have friends and family here now, too. There are streets that are so familiar I could drive with my eyes shut. There are locations that hold innumerable memories. There are beaches that I didn't get to visit nearly enough times. There are people who have gone from strangers to friends to family in a matter of months. People who have made me laugh and seen me cry. People who I have shuttled around, and then who, in turn, lent me their cars or gave me rides when my car broke down. People who made this scary new city into a place I could be happy and fit in.
This time...instead of leaving home to brave some new frontier and form something new for myself...
This time, I'm leaving home...to go home.
This time, I'm not choosing between the comfortable and the unknown.
This time, I have to choose between two places where my heart lies equally.
This time, I have to choose between two places about which I am equally passionate, albeit in completely different ways.
This time, I have to choose between two sets of friends and family who mean the world to me and who have been there for me through thick and thin.
This time...I have to choose between home...and home.
Quite the day. But...as opposed to Thursday's "worst possible scenario" feel, Friday had the taste of a "best possible scenario" day. (At least for the most part.) And that was more refreshing than I can ever put into words.
Friday morning, I woke up around 8, but stayed in bed until I heard from Mike at about 8:45. He got to the apartment a few minutes later, and I finished cleaning the apartment while he put the last few items into the truck. After a quick dumpster run and a phone call from Gary saying he was waiting for us to pick him up down the street, we were on our way. (Let me quickly interject that I had my doubts that he'd even show up, given the fact that he's not always the most reliable person when it comes to showing up when he says he will. But I was very grateful that he did come.)
On the way to get Gary, Mike and I missed one of the turns...but, given my MUCH better spirits, it was laughed off and we continued on like nothing happened.
We picked Gary up and continued on to the storage unit.
The woman behind the counter was amazingly nice, and made sure I had everything settled and taken care of. I even had a little more money than I thought left over for gas.
The boys got to work right away, unloading the truck and getting the storage unit packed. It took about 3 hours, but we got it done.
By "we," I really mean "mostly Mike and Gary." Those boys are amazing, and they are so good to me...
Everything fit perfectly into the storage unit. And when I say "perfectly," I do mean it. The unit is practically floor-to-ceiling packed, but Gary got it organized so that everything is in there. Hahaha...I just don't want to think about unloading it just yet.
After we finished at the storage unit, Gary, Mike, and I piled into the cab of the truck and drove back to the U-Haul rental place across town. We stopped to get gas a couple blocks before the building, and the money I had left just filled the tank to where it needed to be.
Because I had reserved the truck for 10am, rented it at 1pm, and returned it at about 2pm the next day, I was seriously convinced that I'd be charged $30 for an extra day. I knew that I'd be charged for the almost 7 miles I used over the allotted 50 miles in the contract, and I thought I'd also be charged for the dolly that one of the boys used, not knowing that they were zip-tied to the walls so that I could be charged if they were moved.
HOWEVER...The guy behind the counter at the U-Haul place just checked the mileage and gas, and didn't charge me for either the used dolly or 1-3 hours that the truck was late. I ended up getting back more money than I thought I would. And I was VERY happy about that.
So happy that it didn't bother me in the least that the boys and I had a 3.5 mile walk back to my house from returning the truck.
It was a warm, sunny day. I was not tired at all, in spite of the fact that I'd only slept about 4 hours, and then unloaded the truck. And I was with the two guys who have made me laugh the most when I was feeling down in the last few months.
We stopped to get some Checkers on the way back to the apartment, and when we got home, Mike left and Gary and I just hung out for the rest of the afternoon.
After the last week, it was really nice to just lay around and relax. The apartment was all packed and cleaned, so Gary and I just talked and laughed and played around on the computer until Crystal and Joe came to get me and Marc came to get Gary.
Crystal handed me Precious (their puppy), and she and Joe got his truck packed with my things and the things they were taking pretty quickly. Then we made another quick run to the dumpster, and we were off.
The only crappy part of the day was when I realized that my computer isn't working right. When we got to Crystal and Joe's, my computer decided that it wasn't going to recognize the wireless adapter that it's been running with since...forever...and I haven't been able to get it to work since.
But...if the biggest problem I'm having right now is that I have to borrow my sister's computer to use the internet...well...I really can't complain much.
Right now, I'm very calm and yet very much FREAKING OUT.
I'm here. I'm going to Union on Wednesday, and coming back Sunday. Then I'm going to CT on Thursday, and I don't know when I'll be back. It's that simple.
But...I'm only here a limited number of days more. I can count on one hand the number of nights I'll be able to hang out with my friends here, thanks to a babysitting job I have lined up for my final two nights in Tampa.
And then it's back home.
I'm excited to be going back. Don't get me wrong. The thought of going back to my family and friends and congregation is more comforting than I thought it would be. The fact that I'll be, once again, surrounded by the people and places I grew up with is a good feeling I can't describe.
I MISS my friends and family more than I could ever put into words, and the thought of being near them all again is one that fills me with absolute ecstasy. These are people who have celebrated with me at my best, and stuck by me and loved me at my worst. These are people I have been able to count on for as long as I can remember. These are people who I have called at obscene hours of the night, heartbroken and sobbing. And they listen and care. These are people who have helped shape me into the person I am today. The BETTER person I am today, thanks to their love and kindness and influences. And I am thrilled to be going back to them.
But the thought of leaving Tampa...leaving the friends I've made here...is agonizing. I have friends and family here now, too. There are streets that are so familiar I could drive with my eyes shut. There are locations that hold innumerable memories. There are beaches that I didn't get to visit nearly enough times. There are people who have gone from strangers to friends to family in a matter of months. People who have made me laugh and seen me cry. People who I have shuttled around, and then who, in turn, lent me their cars or gave me rides when my car broke down. People who made this scary new city into a place I could be happy and fit in.
This time...instead of leaving home to brave some new frontier and form something new for myself...
This time, I'm leaving home...to go home.
This time, I'm not choosing between the comfortable and the unknown.
This time, I have to choose between two places where my heart lies equally.
This time, I have to choose between two places about which I am equally passionate, albeit in completely different ways.
This time, I have to choose between two sets of friends and family who mean the world to me and who have been there for me through thick and thin.
This time...I have to choose between home...and home.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
LONG WEEK...Equally As Long Post
Ooh, so it's been an eventful week. Very eventful. Definitely not boring.
I spent all weekend/week packing. And by "packing" I mean "trying to pack, but getting frustrated or distracted and not really getting a whole lot done." Because that's how I do things.
I talked to Ashley ahead of time, and she said that her and Alan and Krow would be able to help me move Thursday, not Friday. So, I reserved the U-Haul for Thursday. I figured, that'll give me plenty of time to pack, and it gives me a whole day with the help of my friends, since I didn't have anyone to help me Friday. Mike also said that he'd help out, so long as he could find someone to watch the kids he normally babysits.
With this information in mind, I packed slowly for the first few days, figuring I didn't have to move until Thursday, so I had plenty of time to get stuff done.
PROCRASTINATORS OF THE WORLD - TAKE IT FROM ME...THIS IS NOT TRUE. YOU WILL NEED EVERY SECOND YOU CAN GET TO PACK.
Tuesday, I suddenly realized that the clock was ticking, and decided to step up the packing efforts. I didn't fall asleep until 6:30am (P.S. the suns comes UP by then...), but got a good bit done, and finished up what I thought was the majority of my packing on Wednesday. I was just waiting for Ashley to bring up the boxes Crystal promised me, and I was gonna be done.
When Ashley and Alan and Krow got to the house Wednesday night, my living room was almost completely packed, my kitchen was half packed and half waiting for boxes, my dining room was stacked with boxes and things that needed to be put into the storage unit, my bathroom was practically untouched, and the bedroom looked like it had thrown up everything I ever owned.
Ashley convinced me that I'd worked hard enough all day, and that they rented Tropic Thunder, and we should watch it. With a "dessert" of The Ultimate Fighter. Besides, the boys were going to be the ones loading the truck, and that would leave plenty of time for Ashley and I to finish packing in the morning.
Thursday, Krow and I woke up early-ish, and just spent a couple hours talking and laughing, enjoying what we knew was going to be our last early-morning brother/sister completely candid talk for many months, if not the last. Ashley woke up a couple hours later, and Alan got up an hour or so after that.
We finally got out the door around noon, but made a couple pit stops to buy ferret food and cash a couple checks. We got to the U-Haul place at about 12:45, and I assured them that the truck would be back that night, as we were just packing it, driving to the storage unit, and unpacking it. Because I paid with cash, they made me leave a $150 deposit, from which they would subtrack my bill when I returned the truck, and refund the remainder.
Krow and I drove the truck home, while Ashley and Alan went to get some donuts and coffee to get us fueled for the move. We met Mike back at the apartment, and after eating quickly, the boys started carrying the big furniture to the truck while Ashley and I started packing the rest of the house.
It was a crazy, chaotic, hectic, overwhelming day. There were several points when I ran back and forth between the kitchen and living room and bedroom and bathroom and back again. And again. Ashley was quite the trooper, and made trips to the store for me...to get garbage bags...to get packaging tape. They boys also decided they were thirsty and, between packing the furniture and the smaller boxes, decided not to bother us girls and just walked to the store to pick up a couple bottles of soda.
Ashley and I spent an hour or so (probably much longer, but it didn't feel like it) finishing packing up my room, going through my clothes and shoes and books and personal items, deciding what I was going to take with me and what I was going to leave. And then cramming everything I'm taking into a suitcase and a much-too-small backpack.
At 5, I suddenly realized that I really needed to have the truck back to the rental place by 7 in order to get my refund back that night. So we ran out the door, locked up the truck, and drove to the storage unit. On the way (which took a bit longer than expected, thanks to Alan's slightly confused directions), Alan called 411 and tried to figure out which storage unit I had reserved, so that we could let them know we were on our way. (P.S. There are about 238947321476 Public Storage units in Tampa, and they were ALL clueless. It didn't help that I'd forgotten my reservation number at the house, though...)
Anyway...Alan finally got through to the right place, and the guy spent five minutes telling Alan that they couldn't give me the unit then, because they were going to close in 15 minutes, and it would take at least 30 to get me all set. I took the phone and begged the guy to please work with me here.
Please. I'm already in your parking lot. I don't have anywhere else to go. I wasn't told I had to be there half an hour ahead of time. I have to return this truck empty in an hour and a half. PLEASE.
He finally (very grudgingly) gave in, saying "I guess I'm working for free tonight." And then he hung up on me.
Ashley and I quickly ducked into the office, where the grumpy clerk almost literally ran us to the storage unit and then back to the office to get the paperwork filled out. At this point, I remembered the fees that would be required, and Ashley ran out to the truck to get my money and borrow $10 from Alan.
When she returned, we were *oh so kindly* informed that we would need $41 on the spot, $49 if we wanted insurance.
Problem: I had $25 on me. Nothing more. At all. Not even in the bank. *Thank you, deposit at U-Haul.*
*Commence Kim freaking out.*
No joke.
Ashley and I went back to the truck to let the guys know what happened.
Well...Ashley told the guys what happened.
I fell to the ground on my knees, face buried in my hands, murmuring... What am I going to do? I can't handle this right now...I do not have the emotional strength needed to handle this. I need to have this unit. NOW. I need to have this truck unloaded and returned in an hour...OH GOD...THE TRUCK...They're gonna charge me for an extra day now...WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO???
Thankfully, it didn't take me long to realize that it didn't matter if I cried and screamed, robbed a bank, went home and forgot about it, or burned down the Home Depot next door...there was nothing I could do Thursday night. And I needed to get home so that everyone else could do what they needed to do.
So..we shut the boys in the back of the truck, and Ashley and I climbed into the cab to start the drive home. (YES, I KNOW it's not safe to have three 17- and 19-year-old boys in the back of a moving truck with all my stuff, but YOU try telling them no, and then YOU sit in the stuffy cab with the three boys, complete with their new sweaty odors, thanks to a long day's work...I thought you'd see it my way.)
On the drive home, Ashley agreed to lend me the remaining $20 I'd need to pay for the storage unit and (hopefully) put all the gas I'd need into the truck before returning it. She also tried to find out when she was working, in hopes that she and Alan and Krow could stay to help me unload the truck on Friday. No luck. And I didn't know about Mike, because he was in the back of the truck. And I knew Crystal and Joe couldn't help, cuz of school and work.
So I called Gary. I'll admit it...I was freaking out, just a little bit... I asked him to please, either help me and be there for me when I needed him, or to pull an amazing idea out of his ass, because my brain was just NOT working right.
He promised to be at the storage unit first thing in the morning.
But let's not forget that, on the way home, I completely missed the turnoff of the highway, partly because I was so flustered, and partly because the people next to me were complete douchebags and wouldn't let me over...
So I pulled into the first parking lot I saw (which happened to be for a Japanese restaurant, and attracted quite a few stares), hopped out of the truck, flung open the back of the truck so the boys could get out, and just walked away.
I was just too close to a complete meltdown already...and missing that turn just pushed me over the edge.
I finally walked back to the truck, and stood next to the back, trying to catch my breath and calm down. At one point, I just stood there and put my hands over my face, trying to tune out my other senses, and just focus on breathing and calming down. Alan and Ashley were talking to each other about how/why they couldn't come up to help the next day, and trying to come up with other friends to come over and help. Krow was just sitting in the back of the truck, thinking. And Mike came over and just held me.
It's funny how much a simple hug from a friend can make things seem tolerable again...
We got back to the apartment, and Mike promised to be at my house when I woke up. Crystal called, and I vented about my day, and then slowly realized that just maybe I'd been a tad bit dramatic, and everything was going to be OK.
Krow, Alan, and Ashley left. Mike stuck around, insisting on helping me clean up the apartment, and then painting the fingernails on my left hand. I felt about 10 years old when he left, with all my nails painted different colors (badly painted, just for the record), but I also felt better. Like it really wasn't that bad.
After Mike left, I spent more time cleaning the apartment and talking to Mom and organizing what was going to the storage unit and what was going to Crystal's. Then I just watched videos on Youtube and relaxed.
And...this is long enough for now.
I'll post about Friday later.
I spent all weekend/week packing. And by "packing" I mean "trying to pack, but getting frustrated or distracted and not really getting a whole lot done." Because that's how I do things.
I talked to Ashley ahead of time, and she said that her and Alan and Krow would be able to help me move Thursday, not Friday. So, I reserved the U-Haul for Thursday. I figured, that'll give me plenty of time to pack, and it gives me a whole day with the help of my friends, since I didn't have anyone to help me Friday. Mike also said that he'd help out, so long as he could find someone to watch the kids he normally babysits.
With this information in mind, I packed slowly for the first few days, figuring I didn't have to move until Thursday, so I had plenty of time to get stuff done.
PROCRASTINATORS OF THE WORLD - TAKE IT FROM ME...THIS IS NOT TRUE. YOU WILL NEED EVERY SECOND YOU CAN GET TO PACK.
Tuesday, I suddenly realized that the clock was ticking, and decided to step up the packing efforts. I didn't fall asleep until 6:30am (P.S. the suns comes UP by then...), but got a good bit done, and finished up what I thought was the majority of my packing on Wednesday. I was just waiting for Ashley to bring up the boxes Crystal promised me, and I was gonna be done.
When Ashley and Alan and Krow got to the house Wednesday night, my living room was almost completely packed, my kitchen was half packed and half waiting for boxes, my dining room was stacked with boxes and things that needed to be put into the storage unit, my bathroom was practically untouched, and the bedroom looked like it had thrown up everything I ever owned.
Ashley convinced me that I'd worked hard enough all day, and that they rented Tropic Thunder, and we should watch it. With a "dessert" of The Ultimate Fighter. Besides, the boys were going to be the ones loading the truck, and that would leave plenty of time for Ashley and I to finish packing in the morning.
Thursday, Krow and I woke up early-ish, and just spent a couple hours talking and laughing, enjoying what we knew was going to be our last early-morning brother/sister completely candid talk for many months, if not the last. Ashley woke up a couple hours later, and Alan got up an hour or so after that.
We finally got out the door around noon, but made a couple pit stops to buy ferret food and cash a couple checks. We got to the U-Haul place at about 12:45, and I assured them that the truck would be back that night, as we were just packing it, driving to the storage unit, and unpacking it. Because I paid with cash, they made me leave a $150 deposit, from which they would subtrack my bill when I returned the truck, and refund the remainder.
Krow and I drove the truck home, while Ashley and Alan went to get some donuts and coffee to get us fueled for the move. We met Mike back at the apartment, and after eating quickly, the boys started carrying the big furniture to the truck while Ashley and I started packing the rest of the house.
It was a crazy, chaotic, hectic, overwhelming day. There were several points when I ran back and forth between the kitchen and living room and bedroom and bathroom and back again. And again. Ashley was quite the trooper, and made trips to the store for me...to get garbage bags...to get packaging tape. They boys also decided they were thirsty and, between packing the furniture and the smaller boxes, decided not to bother us girls and just walked to the store to pick up a couple bottles of soda.
Ashley and I spent an hour or so (probably much longer, but it didn't feel like it) finishing packing up my room, going through my clothes and shoes and books and personal items, deciding what I was going to take with me and what I was going to leave. And then cramming everything I'm taking into a suitcase and a much-too-small backpack.
At 5, I suddenly realized that I really needed to have the truck back to the rental place by 7 in order to get my refund back that night. So we ran out the door, locked up the truck, and drove to the storage unit. On the way (which took a bit longer than expected, thanks to Alan's slightly confused directions), Alan called 411 and tried to figure out which storage unit I had reserved, so that we could let them know we were on our way. (P.S. There are about 238947321476 Public Storage units in Tampa, and they were ALL clueless. It didn't help that I'd forgotten my reservation number at the house, though...)
Anyway...Alan finally got through to the right place, and the guy spent five minutes telling Alan that they couldn't give me the unit then, because they were going to close in 15 minutes, and it would take at least 30 to get me all set. I took the phone and begged the guy to please work with me here.
Please. I'm already in your parking lot. I don't have anywhere else to go. I wasn't told I had to be there half an hour ahead of time. I have to return this truck empty in an hour and a half. PLEASE.
He finally (very grudgingly) gave in, saying "I guess I'm working for free tonight." And then he hung up on me.
Ashley and I quickly ducked into the office, where the grumpy clerk almost literally ran us to the storage unit and then back to the office to get the paperwork filled out. At this point, I remembered the fees that would be required, and Ashley ran out to the truck to get my money and borrow $10 from Alan.
When she returned, we were *oh so kindly* informed that we would need $41 on the spot, $49 if we wanted insurance.
Problem: I had $25 on me. Nothing more. At all. Not even in the bank. *Thank you, deposit at U-Haul.*
*Commence Kim freaking out.*
No joke.
Ashley and I went back to the truck to let the guys know what happened.
Well...Ashley told the guys what happened.
I fell to the ground on my knees, face buried in my hands, murmuring... What am I going to do? I can't handle this right now...I do not have the emotional strength needed to handle this. I need to have this unit. NOW. I need to have this truck unloaded and returned in an hour...OH GOD...THE TRUCK...They're gonna charge me for an extra day now...WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO???
Thankfully, it didn't take me long to realize that it didn't matter if I cried and screamed, robbed a bank, went home and forgot about it, or burned down the Home Depot next door...there was nothing I could do Thursday night. And I needed to get home so that everyone else could do what they needed to do.
So..we shut the boys in the back of the truck, and Ashley and I climbed into the cab to start the drive home. (YES, I KNOW it's not safe to have three 17- and 19-year-old boys in the back of a moving truck with all my stuff, but YOU try telling them no, and then YOU sit in the stuffy cab with the three boys, complete with their new sweaty odors, thanks to a long day's work...I thought you'd see it my way.)
On the drive home, Ashley agreed to lend me the remaining $20 I'd need to pay for the storage unit and (hopefully) put all the gas I'd need into the truck before returning it. She also tried to find out when she was working, in hopes that she and Alan and Krow could stay to help me unload the truck on Friday. No luck. And I didn't know about Mike, because he was in the back of the truck. And I knew Crystal and Joe couldn't help, cuz of school and work.
So I called Gary. I'll admit it...I was freaking out, just a little bit... I asked him to please, either help me and be there for me when I needed him, or to pull an amazing idea out of his ass, because my brain was just NOT working right.
He promised to be at the storage unit first thing in the morning.
But let's not forget that, on the way home, I completely missed the turnoff of the highway, partly because I was so flustered, and partly because the people next to me were complete douchebags and wouldn't let me over...
So I pulled into the first parking lot I saw (which happened to be for a Japanese restaurant, and attracted quite a few stares), hopped out of the truck, flung open the back of the truck so the boys could get out, and just walked away.
I was just too close to a complete meltdown already...and missing that turn just pushed me over the edge.
I finally walked back to the truck, and stood next to the back, trying to catch my breath and calm down. At one point, I just stood there and put my hands over my face, trying to tune out my other senses, and just focus on breathing and calming down. Alan and Ashley were talking to each other about how/why they couldn't come up to help the next day, and trying to come up with other friends to come over and help. Krow was just sitting in the back of the truck, thinking. And Mike came over and just held me.
It's funny how much a simple hug from a friend can make things seem tolerable again...
We got back to the apartment, and Mike promised to be at my house when I woke up. Crystal called, and I vented about my day, and then slowly realized that just maybe I'd been a tad bit dramatic, and everything was going to be OK.
Krow, Alan, and Ashley left. Mike stuck around, insisting on helping me clean up the apartment, and then painting the fingernails on my left hand. I felt about 10 years old when he left, with all my nails painted different colors (badly painted, just for the record), but I also felt better. Like it really wasn't that bad.
After Mike left, I spent more time cleaning the apartment and talking to Mom and organizing what was going to the storage unit and what was going to Crystal's. Then I just watched videos on Youtube and relaxed.
And...this is long enough for now.
I'll post about Friday later.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Apologies...
I'm overdue again. I know.
I've been in a whirlwind recently, trying to pack and arrange a storage unit and truck and living situations and pack more and sell the gecko and her accessories and get Eddy set to go to Alan's and pack some more and try to figure out how/when I'm gonna see my friends before I leave and figure out what stuff is coming with me to CT and what's going to Crystal's and what's going into storage and pack even more and figure out who can come help me move and what time they'll be here and PACK MORE and I've just been going crazy.
Hopefully, things will slow down tomorrow night, and be as calm as they're gonna get while I'm still in Tampa by Friday night. Apologies for the delay.
More to come once I have the time to breathe.
:-P
I've been in a whirlwind recently, trying to pack and arrange a storage unit and truck and living situations and pack more and sell the gecko and her accessories and get Eddy set to go to Alan's and pack some more and try to figure out how/when I'm gonna see my friends before I leave and figure out what stuff is coming with me to CT and what's going to Crystal's and what's going into storage and pack even more and figure out who can come help me move and what time they'll be here and PACK MORE and I've just been going crazy.
Hopefully, things will slow down tomorrow night, and be as calm as they're gonna get while I'm still in Tampa by Friday night. Apologies for the delay.
More to come once I have the time to breathe.
:-P
Saturday, November 15, 2008
My Life Is In Fast Forward But My Mind Is In Slow Motion
Plans have changed about 16 zillion times in the last week or so. And I'm having trouble keeping up with myself.
Monday, Gramma bought me a plane ticket to CT. We'd come to the conclusion that me putting my stuff in storage here and flying up, and then coming back for my shit when I get the chance is the best option for now. So we booked a flight for the same day/flight as Crystal and Joe, so that we could all arrive in CT at the some time on December 17th.
Then I went to Crystal's for the evening. And it turned into two days. I didn't come home till Wednesday night. But I'm ok with that. I got to spend two days with my sister, and a day puppysitting their absolutely adorable corgi/beagle mix Precious while Crystal and Joe were at work and school. And then Ashley and Alan came over to see me that night.
Thursday, I just kinda kicked back and relaxed. I slept in, and I bummed around the house, watching TV and playing on the computer, waiting for Chris to come get me for Kelsie's 21st birthday party. As I was getting ready for the party, I stepped outside to see the temperature and noticed a paper stuck to my door. I noticed it was from the landlord, and threw it onto my bed. I knew it wasn't gonna be good news, and I didn't wanna ruin the party. I figured, why should I ruin the evening? I'd just have a good time, and then deal with whatever happened to be in the letter. Anyway...Kelsie's party was a great time. :-)
I was right not to look at the letter before the party. It basically said that the corporate people who run my apartment complex decided they cannot be lenient with me regarding rent anymore, and I have to either come up with $900 by the 21st, or get out. And since I'm not so good at the whole "pulling money out of my ass" thing...there's only one option left.
So...as of Friday...I'll be putting my stuff in storage on the 21st, living with Crystal and Joe from then till the 26th when I go to Union, staying in Union till the 30th, when I'll come back to Crystal and Joe's until the 4th, when I'll leave for CT for good.
It's all too weird. It's freaking me out. And I'm not sure how to feel.
Half of me is thrilled to be going home...to be seeing my family and "old" friends. To be back where I grew up, and where I'll be able to get back on my feet. Where I'll be home.
And the other half of me is utterly devastated. Because I don't want to leave yet. I don't want to leave my new friends. My sister. I don't want to be out of Florida. Out of this new environment that has become my home. I don't want to leave. Especially not two weeks sooner than I was supposed to.
I'm trying to be thankful for the small details about this. Like the fact that me staying with Crystal will mean that I'll be closer to all my other friends, so maybe I can see them a little more before I go. And the fact that I'll get to spend all that time with Crystal. And that I'll get to see my grandmother for 5 days, and then I'll get to see my parents and brothers again for the first time since March.
This is not how I pictured my life going, even two months ago. It's weird and it's not what I thought would ever happen. Not in a million years.
But...I'm trying to make the best of it.
We'll see how that goes...
Monday, Gramma bought me a plane ticket to CT. We'd come to the conclusion that me putting my stuff in storage here and flying up, and then coming back for my shit when I get the chance is the best option for now. So we booked a flight for the same day/flight as Crystal and Joe, so that we could all arrive in CT at the some time on December 17th.
Then I went to Crystal's for the evening. And it turned into two days. I didn't come home till Wednesday night. But I'm ok with that. I got to spend two days with my sister, and a day puppysitting their absolutely adorable corgi/beagle mix Precious while Crystal and Joe were at work and school. And then Ashley and Alan came over to see me that night.
Thursday, I just kinda kicked back and relaxed. I slept in, and I bummed around the house, watching TV and playing on the computer, waiting for Chris to come get me for Kelsie's 21st birthday party. As I was getting ready for the party, I stepped outside to see the temperature and noticed a paper stuck to my door. I noticed it was from the landlord, and threw it onto my bed. I knew it wasn't gonna be good news, and I didn't wanna ruin the party. I figured, why should I ruin the evening? I'd just have a good time, and then deal with whatever happened to be in the letter. Anyway...Kelsie's party was a great time. :-)
I was right not to look at the letter before the party. It basically said that the corporate people who run my apartment complex decided they cannot be lenient with me regarding rent anymore, and I have to either come up with $900 by the 21st, or get out. And since I'm not so good at the whole "pulling money out of my ass" thing...there's only one option left.
So...as of Friday...I'll be putting my stuff in storage on the 21st, living with Crystal and Joe from then till the 26th when I go to Union, staying in Union till the 30th, when I'll come back to Crystal and Joe's until the 4th, when I'll leave for CT for good.
It's all too weird. It's freaking me out. And I'm not sure how to feel.
Half of me is thrilled to be going home...to be seeing my family and "old" friends. To be back where I grew up, and where I'll be able to get back on my feet. Where I'll be home.
And the other half of me is utterly devastated. Because I don't want to leave yet. I don't want to leave my new friends. My sister. I don't want to be out of Florida. Out of this new environment that has become my home. I don't want to leave. Especially not two weeks sooner than I was supposed to.
I'm trying to be thankful for the small details about this. Like the fact that me staying with Crystal will mean that I'll be closer to all my other friends, so maybe I can see them a little more before I go. And the fact that I'll get to spend all that time with Crystal. And that I'll get to see my grandmother for 5 days, and then I'll get to see my parents and brothers again for the first time since March.
This is not how I pictured my life going, even two months ago. It's weird and it's not what I thought would ever happen. Not in a million years.
But...I'm trying to make the best of it.
We'll see how that goes...
Friday, November 14, 2008
Quickly...
I know I'm overdue.
There's a lot going on right now...And I don't want to speak about anything too soon.
I'll post one hell of an update in a couple days.
Promise.
There's a lot going on right now...And I don't want to speak about anything too soon.
I'll post one hell of an update in a couple days.
Promise.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Getting What I Want Through Some Extreme (Yet Unfortunate) Circumstances
Hahaha... So tonight didn't turn out exactly according to plan...but it's still good. Or at least I think so...Joe would probably disagree. :-P
Crystal promised to spend some time with me tonight, and we came to the conclusion that she would come pick me up and bring me to her apartment, I'd cook dinner for us, and we'd take advantage of her employee benefits and go see a movie, or just stay at home and chill, and then she'd bring me home.
WELL...on the way from my apartment to hers, her car decided to overheat and blow white smoke out (P.S. I think I might stop riding in cars, since I seem to make vehicles start doing funky things and then dying...), so we had to pull over and call Joe. Joe dragged his brother to the parking lot where Crystal and I were, and the two boys determined the car is undrivable at the moment, and we needed to get it towed. I called AAA, and they came and brought the car back to Crystal and Joe's apartment, to be fixed tomorrow. (Insert tangent about how it only took the tow truck 45 minutes to get to Crystal's car, but I've never waited less than THREE hours for a tow truck when I broke down on the highway...) Anyway...Joe was exhausted, and announced that he was not taking me home tonight, and he doesn't want Crystal driving his truck, so he hopes I don't mind sleeping on the sofa because he's not taking me home until after work tomorrow.
So here I sit, on my sister's sofa, typing on *my* computer (Joe finally got his own, so Crystal gave me her old computer :-D ), and getting ready to go to sleep and spend tomorrow with my sister.
Maybe I'm a little more excited about this whole car-dying thing than I should be... :-P
But...I can't help it. It's been a month since I've really seen her, and even then it was at my birthday party...so that almost doesn't count. And, gosh...I honestly don't remember when we last had a girl's night before that...maybe the night she came up in late August or early September and we went to Sonic.
So...yeah...I'm thrilled to be able to spend the night here and then hang out with Crystal tomorrow. THIS is why I moved down here.
I've missed her...
Crystal promised to spend some time with me tonight, and we came to the conclusion that she would come pick me up and bring me to her apartment, I'd cook dinner for us, and we'd take advantage of her employee benefits and go see a movie, or just stay at home and chill, and then she'd bring me home.
WELL...on the way from my apartment to hers, her car decided to overheat and blow white smoke out (P.S. I think I might stop riding in cars, since I seem to make vehicles start doing funky things and then dying...), so we had to pull over and call Joe. Joe dragged his brother to the parking lot where Crystal and I were, and the two boys determined the car is undrivable at the moment, and we needed to get it towed. I called AAA, and they came and brought the car back to Crystal and Joe's apartment, to be fixed tomorrow. (Insert tangent about how it only took the tow truck 45 minutes to get to Crystal's car, but I've never waited less than THREE hours for a tow truck when I broke down on the highway...) Anyway...Joe was exhausted, and announced that he was not taking me home tonight, and he doesn't want Crystal driving his truck, so he hopes I don't mind sleeping on the sofa because he's not taking me home until after work tomorrow.
So here I sit, on my sister's sofa, typing on *my* computer (Joe finally got his own, so Crystal gave me her old computer :-D ), and getting ready to go to sleep and spend tomorrow with my sister.
Maybe I'm a little more excited about this whole car-dying thing than I should be... :-P
But...I can't help it. It's been a month since I've really seen her, and even then it was at my birthday party...so that almost doesn't count. And, gosh...I honestly don't remember when we last had a girl's night before that...maybe the night she came up in late August or early September and we went to Sonic.
So...yeah...I'm thrilled to be able to spend the night here and then hang out with Crystal tomorrow. THIS is why I moved down here.
I've missed her...
Saturday, November 8, 2008
At Which Point I Start Beating My Head Against A Wall
This is exactly why I hate not having a car of my own...
I got a phone call last night, asking if I can babysit for a family I've been sitting for fairly regularly for the last month and a half. They wanted me there at 6:30 tonight. I told them that I'd do what I could to get a ride, but it hasn't been an issue so far, so I didn't anticipate any problems.
I promptly contacted Chris and my roommate, who are the two people I can count on to get me down there. Abbey said she couldn't, and Chris said he was working till 6, but that he'd let me know today if he'd be able to give me a ride after that.
Assuming that he'd either say yes or give me enough notice to work something else out, I called Crystal, who agreed to bring me home as a last resort, in case I couldn't persuade Ashley to bring me back and spend some time with me.
If I'd known before 6 that Chris wouldn't even respond to me, nevermind not give me a ride, I would have taken the 2 hour bus ride or even walked the 4 hours to babysit...
And now I'm sitting home alone, with nothing to do. And short the $100 I would have made, had I been able to get to South Tampa tonight. :-(
And it doesn't help any that the check they gave me last time bounced, and the $110 that I was going to use to keep my electricity on is suddenly no longer in my possession. ARGH!!!!!!
On another subject, I'm almost fully convinced I'll be moving. Now the only real question is whether I'll be storing my stuff here, or if Gramma will be renting a truck and paying for gas for me so that I can store my stuff in CT.
Granted, there are other questions, like whether or not I'll have to make the drive alone. Or where (or even if) I'll stay for the night on the way up. Or if my parents will let Gary come with for Christmas.
I don't know...I'm just in a million places tonight...and it doesn't help that I feel so incredibly helpless about my own life.
I hate helplessness. That and ambiguity.
Which is why I'm so frustrated about my life. Because I have so much of both right now.
But...
Things can only go up from here, right?
I got a phone call last night, asking if I can babysit for a family I've been sitting for fairly regularly for the last month and a half. They wanted me there at 6:30 tonight. I told them that I'd do what I could to get a ride, but it hasn't been an issue so far, so I didn't anticipate any problems.
I promptly contacted Chris and my roommate, who are the two people I can count on to get me down there. Abbey said she couldn't, and Chris said he was working till 6, but that he'd let me know today if he'd be able to give me a ride after that.
Assuming that he'd either say yes or give me enough notice to work something else out, I called Crystal, who agreed to bring me home as a last resort, in case I couldn't persuade Ashley to bring me back and spend some time with me.
If I'd known before 6 that Chris wouldn't even respond to me, nevermind not give me a ride, I would have taken the 2 hour bus ride or even walked the 4 hours to babysit...
And now I'm sitting home alone, with nothing to do. And short the $100 I would have made, had I been able to get to South Tampa tonight. :-(
And it doesn't help any that the check they gave me last time bounced, and the $110 that I was going to use to keep my electricity on is suddenly no longer in my possession. ARGH!!!!!!
On another subject, I'm almost fully convinced I'll be moving. Now the only real question is whether I'll be storing my stuff here, or if Gramma will be renting a truck and paying for gas for me so that I can store my stuff in CT.
Granted, there are other questions, like whether or not I'll have to make the drive alone. Or where (or even if) I'll stay for the night on the way up. Or if my parents will let Gary come with for Christmas.
I don't know...I'm just in a million places tonight...and it doesn't help that I feel so incredibly helpless about my own life.
I hate helplessness. That and ambiguity.
Which is why I'm so frustrated about my life. Because I have so much of both right now.
But...
Things can only go up from here, right?
Thursday, November 6, 2008
All Jumbled Up Inside
I walked to Publix today to get myself the star fruit I've been craving since I broke up with Rob. His mom has a tree full of them in the back yard, and when he went outside to smoke, Rob and I would sit by the pool and eat the juicy, fleshy points of the fruit and feed the more fibrous insides to his dog. I haven't had one since I've been single, and I've missed biting into the sweet fruit and having the juice dribble down my fingers and chin.
On the way to the store, I popped on the earbuds for my MP3 player (yes, I know, I'm behind the times by not having an iPod, but this was a hand-me-down from when Crystal got her iPod, and I really don't have the money to ditch this perfectly good portable music source) and selected the newest 3 Doors Down CD to listen to. I'm always amazed by how a single song can make me feel opposite emotions with equal strength. I'm also surprised by how ten minutes can make a difference as to what emotion is felt. As I listened to the first few tracks on the way to the store, I was contentedly but determinedly walking the 3/4 mile to the grocery store, thinking of nothing more than the fact that I was on my way to get what I've been wanting for so long.
On the walk home, however, star fruit and vidalia onion swinging from my hand in the grocery bag, those same songs took on a whole new meaning. All I could think about was the way my life has turned out. The way things are going, and how helpless I feel. I was comparing my life a year ago to my life now.
A year ago, I was living with my parents, getting ready to move to Tampa. I was employed, had a car I loved, and was getting ready to chase down a dream I've had for as long as I can remember. I was getting ready to move to FLORIDA. To be near the beach. Where there's an abundance of sun. And, most importantly, where my sister is. Yes, I was worried about financing the move, but it was happening, and I had faith that everything would work itself out. How could it not? I was finally being proactive about my life. Grabbing the bull by the horns and demanding what I wanted out of life. I loved every second of my life because, for the first time, I was doing things for ME.
Today, I have come full circle, and I am staring at the shattered remains of everything I thought would last forever. I have no job, and haven't had one since my birthday in September, when my literal wake-up call was my boss saying not to bother logging on to work, and could I please mail back their computer. My car, which has been nothing more than a parking lot ornament since the head gasket went in August, was repossessed last week, because I do not have the money to pay for the loan. I am living in an apartment that I have only not been evicted from because of the kindness, understanding, and trust of my landlord. I have not spent any time with my sister since my birthday party the Friday before my birthday, with the exception of the one night last month when I persuaded her to give me a ride home from a babysitting job.
I'm not saying that I completely regret this move. I have made great friends. I have more pictures of me (a happy me) and my friends from these past ten months of my life than from the previous 5 years combined. I have memories that will carry me through a lifetime. I have laughed and cried, loved and lost, sang and screamed, ran and crawled, danced and crashed, held and pushed away. I have completely opened up and experienced a spectrum of emotions I'd previously shut myself off to. I have discovered where I need to put my foot down, and where I can afford to be more understanding. I have learned who will be there for me most when I need them, who I can call sobbing in the middle of the night, who will make me laugh no matter what mood I'm in, who will prove their friendship over and over again, who will hold me when I need a hug, who will just sit with me and let me cry, who will talk me through the rough spots, who will always gently suggest that I do things differently, who will force me to see the truth I'm reluctant to face, and, sadly, who will cease to be there for me when our relationship is no longer easy or convenient.
This turning my life upside down is two-folded. In the same amount of time that I have discovered these parts of myself and the people around me, I have also destroyed the financial aspect of my life. It is in shambles. Being the sole provider for my household has completely demolished any sense of independence living on my own could have possibly created. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad I got to live with Crystal, however short that time was and however little she was actually around. But...had I had a roommate to help with the bills, things would be different right now. And I was too proud to see that until recently.
I am well aware of the fact that I'm probably going to have to move back in with my parents. But...I don't want to. For many reasons. I don't want to live on a cot in their office. I don't want to go from being an independent woman back to being the oldest child who has come home (again) and is now expected to take part in every family meal, every outing, every chore. I don't want to give up having my own home - my own escape. I don't want to give up having my own life.
And...ridiculous as this is...I don't want to give up the idea of living with Gary. I don't want to give up having a guaranteed roommate. I don't want to let go of the constant laughter and happiness he brings into my life. I am reluctant to take myself away from my own personal ray of sunshine. And for reasons I am not at liberty to share because they are not my business to tell, I want to spend every second I can with him, while I still have those seconds. He wants to leave Florida anyway, and I want to be able to be near him when he makes that relocation. I don't completely understand, and therefore can't explain, the friendship that we have...but I don't want to do anything to risk losing it. The connection between us is undeniable and, while I am not looking for a romantic relationship, I can't get enough of being around him.
But...as much as I don't want to live with my parents, I don't know where I'll get the money to live on my own. Not without a job (still). And, even if I do get a job soon...paying my bills here AND saving enough to move is not something I'm seeing as a likely option.
Yes, the intelligent thing for me to do is to put my stuff into storage and move into Mom and Dad's office. To sleep on that cot every night, and allow the frustration of being in that position to force me to get off my ass and get my life together so that I CAN move out soon. And maybe then I'll be able to "send for" Gary, and have him join me back home. Maybe the fact that Seth wants to move out with me/us will make it a reality that much sooner...
That doesn't make it any more deisrable.
As I walked back from Publix today, I vacillated between devastation and frustration...and hope and determination. Frustration and devastation because, in chasing this dream, I feel like I may have ruined the rest of my life. And hope and determination because, as 3 Doors Down so eloquently puts it (lyrics below), my mistakes do not define me - they tell me who I'm not.
So...I still don't know what I'm going to do...or...maybe I DO know, and I'm just not admitting it to myself...
But... I am determined not to let this define me. I will not let this get me down, or keep me from pursuing other dreams. I may be beaten down. I may feel like I've hit a wall I cannot climb or fallen into a hole I cannot get out of. But I refuse to let this stop me.
I will overcome this. I will have my life back. I will be happy again. I will not go to bed every night, laying awake wondering how I am going to face the next day.
And, at the risk of sounding very cliche...
I WILL SURVIVE.
"It's The Only One You've Got"
How do you know where you're going
When you don't know where you've been
You hide the shame that you're not showing
And you won't let anyone in
A crowded street can be a quiet place
When you're walking alone
And now you think that you're the only
One who doesn't
[Chorus:]
Have to try
And you won't have to fail
If you're afraid to fight
Then i guess you never will
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
Memories have left you broken
And the scars have never healed
The emptiness in you is growing
But so little left to fill
You're scared to look back on the days before
You're too tired to move on
And now you think that you're the only one who doesn't
[Chorus]
What would it take
To get you to say that i'll try
And what would you say if
This was the last day of your life
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
On the way to the store, I popped on the earbuds for my MP3 player (yes, I know, I'm behind the times by not having an iPod, but this was a hand-me-down from when Crystal got her iPod, and I really don't have the money to ditch this perfectly good portable music source) and selected the newest 3 Doors Down CD to listen to. I'm always amazed by how a single song can make me feel opposite emotions with equal strength. I'm also surprised by how ten minutes can make a difference as to what emotion is felt. As I listened to the first few tracks on the way to the store, I was contentedly but determinedly walking the 3/4 mile to the grocery store, thinking of nothing more than the fact that I was on my way to get what I've been wanting for so long.
On the walk home, however, star fruit and vidalia onion swinging from my hand in the grocery bag, those same songs took on a whole new meaning. All I could think about was the way my life has turned out. The way things are going, and how helpless I feel. I was comparing my life a year ago to my life now.
A year ago, I was living with my parents, getting ready to move to Tampa. I was employed, had a car I loved, and was getting ready to chase down a dream I've had for as long as I can remember. I was getting ready to move to FLORIDA. To be near the beach. Where there's an abundance of sun. And, most importantly, where my sister is. Yes, I was worried about financing the move, but it was happening, and I had faith that everything would work itself out. How could it not? I was finally being proactive about my life. Grabbing the bull by the horns and demanding what I wanted out of life. I loved every second of my life because, for the first time, I was doing things for ME.
Today, I have come full circle, and I am staring at the shattered remains of everything I thought would last forever. I have no job, and haven't had one since my birthday in September, when my literal wake-up call was my boss saying not to bother logging on to work, and could I please mail back their computer. My car, which has been nothing more than a parking lot ornament since the head gasket went in August, was repossessed last week, because I do not have the money to pay for the loan. I am living in an apartment that I have only not been evicted from because of the kindness, understanding, and trust of my landlord. I have not spent any time with my sister since my birthday party the Friday before my birthday, with the exception of the one night last month when I persuaded her to give me a ride home from a babysitting job.
I'm not saying that I completely regret this move. I have made great friends. I have more pictures of me (a happy me) and my friends from these past ten months of my life than from the previous 5 years combined. I have memories that will carry me through a lifetime. I have laughed and cried, loved and lost, sang and screamed, ran and crawled, danced and crashed, held and pushed away. I have completely opened up and experienced a spectrum of emotions I'd previously shut myself off to. I have discovered where I need to put my foot down, and where I can afford to be more understanding. I have learned who will be there for me most when I need them, who I can call sobbing in the middle of the night, who will make me laugh no matter what mood I'm in, who will prove their friendship over and over again, who will hold me when I need a hug, who will just sit with me and let me cry, who will talk me through the rough spots, who will always gently suggest that I do things differently, who will force me to see the truth I'm reluctant to face, and, sadly, who will cease to be there for me when our relationship is no longer easy or convenient.
This turning my life upside down is two-folded. In the same amount of time that I have discovered these parts of myself and the people around me, I have also destroyed the financial aspect of my life. It is in shambles. Being the sole provider for my household has completely demolished any sense of independence living on my own could have possibly created. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad I got to live with Crystal, however short that time was and however little she was actually around. But...had I had a roommate to help with the bills, things would be different right now. And I was too proud to see that until recently.
I am well aware of the fact that I'm probably going to have to move back in with my parents. But...I don't want to. For many reasons. I don't want to live on a cot in their office. I don't want to go from being an independent woman back to being the oldest child who has come home (again) and is now expected to take part in every family meal, every outing, every chore. I don't want to give up having my own home - my own escape. I don't want to give up having my own life.
And...ridiculous as this is...I don't want to give up the idea of living with Gary. I don't want to give up having a guaranteed roommate. I don't want to let go of the constant laughter and happiness he brings into my life. I am reluctant to take myself away from my own personal ray of sunshine. And for reasons I am not at liberty to share because they are not my business to tell, I want to spend every second I can with him, while I still have those seconds. He wants to leave Florida anyway, and I want to be able to be near him when he makes that relocation. I don't completely understand, and therefore can't explain, the friendship that we have...but I don't want to do anything to risk losing it. The connection between us is undeniable and, while I am not looking for a romantic relationship, I can't get enough of being around him.
But...as much as I don't want to live with my parents, I don't know where I'll get the money to live on my own. Not without a job (still). And, even if I do get a job soon...paying my bills here AND saving enough to move is not something I'm seeing as a likely option.
Yes, the intelligent thing for me to do is to put my stuff into storage and move into Mom and Dad's office. To sleep on that cot every night, and allow the frustration of being in that position to force me to get off my ass and get my life together so that I CAN move out soon. And maybe then I'll be able to "send for" Gary, and have him join me back home. Maybe the fact that Seth wants to move out with me/us will make it a reality that much sooner...
That doesn't make it any more deisrable.
As I walked back from Publix today, I vacillated between devastation and frustration...and hope and determination. Frustration and devastation because, in chasing this dream, I feel like I may have ruined the rest of my life. And hope and determination because, as 3 Doors Down so eloquently puts it (lyrics below), my mistakes do not define me - they tell me who I'm not.
So...I still don't know what I'm going to do...or...maybe I DO know, and I'm just not admitting it to myself...
But... I am determined not to let this define me. I will not let this get me down, or keep me from pursuing other dreams. I may be beaten down. I may feel like I've hit a wall I cannot climb or fallen into a hole I cannot get out of. But I refuse to let this stop me.
I will overcome this. I will have my life back. I will be happy again. I will not go to bed every night, laying awake wondering how I am going to face the next day.
And, at the risk of sounding very cliche...
I WILL SURVIVE.
"It's The Only One You've Got"
How do you know where you're going
When you don't know where you've been
You hide the shame that you're not showing
And you won't let anyone in
A crowded street can be a quiet place
When you're walking alone
And now you think that you're the only
One who doesn't
[Chorus:]
Have to try
And you won't have to fail
If you're afraid to fight
Then i guess you never will
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
Memories have left you broken
And the scars have never healed
The emptiness in you is growing
But so little left to fill
You're scared to look back on the days before
You're too tired to move on
And now you think that you're the only one who doesn't
[Chorus]
What would it take
To get you to say that i'll try
And what would you say if
This was the last day of your life
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Newfound Determination
OK...so...I've decided to be more faithful with this blog. My goal is to post at least every other day. Because so few of my friends know this exists, I'm hoping to be able to use it as more of a journal than an all-out "let me share my life" blog. And...I've had so many thoughts and been on such a roller coaster that I think getting everything out every couple days will be good for me. And it will be nice to be able to have feedback when requested/necessary from those few people that I trust most and have shared this blog with.
So...
I'm still more likely than not going to move. The only question now is where I'm going to move to. Oh, and who I'll be living with.
Gary and I still want to get an apartment in Manchester. We'd love to be up north, and I'd love to not live with my parents. However, if we can't get income and savings together, as well as line up a place, that wish may not be a reality. And if I live with my parents (where my bedroom will be a cot in their office), Gary's not gonna be able to come with.
The only other option is for Gary and I to get an apartment here. Which...may or may not be reasonable. I haven't decided yet.
I had to give my car back to the bank last week. More accurately, I let them come and take it. I just don't have the money for it anymore. And it wasn't working anyway. But...it's frustrating to not have a car at all. At least last week I had a car that could have worked, had it been fixed. And now...now I have nothing. And no money to get another one. And I'm NOT going to get myself under another loan.
On the other hand...not having to tow the car home will save about $600 if/when we move. And that will be a HUGE relief.
Chris set me up with an interview at his job yesterday. It's a call center that sells Disney vacation packages. Not fun, but an income. So far, I haven't heard anything. And that frustrates me just a little, even though Jenn kindly reminded me that it's only been a day and I really should give them a week.
I think...maybe part of my frustration is my impatience. Because I've been waiting for some kind of job offer for over a month now, and I've got nothing. And now that I've had this interview, I'm more than ready to just start earning already.
I've been doing a lot of trusting again. It's taking more faith than I thought I had to believe that my needs will be taken care of. Especially as I watch the days pass without any sort of income or even prospects. I have to continually remind myself that everything happens for a reason, and that this will work out for God's best...whatever that may happen to be. Hopefully it will be an option that I love, but...at least I know that it will be right.
And I'm not even going to go into my feelings about the election yesterday. Suffice it to say that I am happy with the results, and I am sick and tired of hearing some of my friends talking like Obama is the anti-Christ. Enough already!!
Anyway...Alan and Ashley are on their way...hopefully with Ashley's new dog. And I miss having a dog so much that it will be nice to see hers tonight. :-) So I plan to laugh, spend time with the dog, and feed my newest addiction, the show The Ultimate Fighter.
If only ALL life was this simple...
So...
I'm still more likely than not going to move. The only question now is where I'm going to move to. Oh, and who I'll be living with.
Gary and I still want to get an apartment in Manchester. We'd love to be up north, and I'd love to not live with my parents. However, if we can't get income and savings together, as well as line up a place, that wish may not be a reality. And if I live with my parents (where my bedroom will be a cot in their office), Gary's not gonna be able to come with.
The only other option is for Gary and I to get an apartment here. Which...may or may not be reasonable. I haven't decided yet.
I had to give my car back to the bank last week. More accurately, I let them come and take it. I just don't have the money for it anymore. And it wasn't working anyway. But...it's frustrating to not have a car at all. At least last week I had a car that could have worked, had it been fixed. And now...now I have nothing. And no money to get another one. And I'm NOT going to get myself under another loan.
On the other hand...not having to tow the car home will save about $600 if/when we move. And that will be a HUGE relief.
Chris set me up with an interview at his job yesterday. It's a call center that sells Disney vacation packages. Not fun, but an income. So far, I haven't heard anything. And that frustrates me just a little, even though Jenn kindly reminded me that it's only been a day and I really should give them a week.
I think...maybe part of my frustration is my impatience. Because I've been waiting for some kind of job offer for over a month now, and I've got nothing. And now that I've had this interview, I'm more than ready to just start earning already.
I've been doing a lot of trusting again. It's taking more faith than I thought I had to believe that my needs will be taken care of. Especially as I watch the days pass without any sort of income or even prospects. I have to continually remind myself that everything happens for a reason, and that this will work out for God's best...whatever that may happen to be. Hopefully it will be an option that I love, but...at least I know that it will be right.
And I'm not even going to go into my feelings about the election yesterday. Suffice it to say that I am happy with the results, and I am sick and tired of hearing some of my friends talking like Obama is the anti-Christ. Enough already!!
Anyway...Alan and Ashley are on their way...hopefully with Ashley's new dog. And I miss having a dog so much that it will be nice to see hers tonight. :-) So I plan to laugh, spend time with the dog, and feed my newest addiction, the show The Ultimate Fighter.
If only ALL life was this simple...
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