Heaven Can Wait

Well... I don't have much to say, really.
Except that I've totally rediscovered We The Kings. And that I really like them more than I thought I did. :-P

One of their songs, Heaven Can Wait, is totally "my" new song. Hehe

Here's a song for the nights

I think too much and

Here's a song when I imagine us together

Here's a song for when we talk too much

And I forget my words

Heaven can wait up high in the sky

It's you and I

Heaven can wait deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

Lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

Tell me you want me to stay, forever

'Cause heaven can wait

Here's a song for the one who stole my heart

And ran so far that cupid couldn't catch her

Here's a song for the kid who aims so high

He shot her down

Heaven can wait up high in the sky

It's you and I

Heaven can wait deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

Lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

Tell me you want me to stay forever

'Cause heaven can wait

Here's a song for the nights I drink too much

And spill my words

Heaven can wait up high in the sky

It's you and I

Heaven can wait deep down in your eyes

I'm yours tonight

Lay your heart next to mine

I feel so alive

Tell me you want me to stay forever

'Cause heaven can wait

After A LOOOOOONG Absence...

Soo...

I haven't written in quite some time. Sorry about that. I've been slacking. The best "excuse" I can give really only covers the last month and a half. Before that, I was just lazy. But for the last 8 weeks or so, I've just been too busy living life to worry about writing about it.
Also, I'm having a really really hard time being honest and open, and still respecting the privacy and anonymity of the people who are the biggest parts of my life right now. Because so much of my life is laced with thoughts of and conversations with certain people, I'm finding it difficult to put ME on paper but keep THEM off it. (If that makes any sense at all...)

So...I apologize for the delay, but I have a sneaky suspicion that, at least until school really picks up and I start to freak out and just need an outlet, posting very well may be scarce again for a while.
I just went back over all my old entries here, and I discovered that I've written things (particularly about boyfriends/interests) that are quite frankly uncomfortable for me to read right now (and consequently may be removed), and I'm working on NOT making that mistake twice.
Just...suffice it to say that I'm in a really good place right now.
My friends are amazing people. The ones who are always there for me are constantly proving that they are the people who deserve the huge places in my heart that they already have.
My family continues to put up with my and my shenanigans. Things are up and down, as they are with all families, but I wouldn't trade them for the world.
And I've inexplicably found myself in a great relationship with an amazing man. One I've waited for a long time to have this chance with. (Totally worth the wait, by the way...)
And while all these things make me want to write write write write, I don't want to do anything to mess up ANY of the relationships I'm currently loving so very much. Which means that writing too much without getting my filter firmly in place is too much of a risk right now.

I hope that those of you who actually read this with any regularity will understand what I'm trying to say here...

Things I Love About Spring

~ Flowers

~ Sunshine

~ Baseball season

~ Fresh grass

~ Warm air

~ Walks

~ The creative inspiration that strikes when everything is in bloom

~ Birds singing

~ The 1st BBQ of the season

~ The smell of rich dirt

~ Driving with the windows down

~ Leaving my bedroom windows open

~ Easter candy both for Easter and on sale afterwards

Maybe I Need Help...

Hi. My name's Kim, and I'm a bookaholic.

I've always loved reading. I love reading. It's something my parents (especially my mother) instilled in me early on. As a matter of fact, I was reading (well) by age 5. Which wouldn't have been an issue, if only the rest of my class hadn't been just learning their letters. But, as it turns out, I was so far ahead, and the schools so reluctant to cooperate (one teacher went as far as to tell my parents not to allow me to read anything, even a box of cereal, so that the rest of the class could catch up to me) that my parents decided to pull me out of the public school system and begin what turned into eight years of homeschooling me.
I've read more books than I could list. I firmly believe a person can never own too many books (unless they start piling up around the room). I love all books. You name it, I'll read it. My bookshelf holds everything from Popular Religions of the World to the Harry Potter series to a multitude of Stephen King books to financial advice books to trashy romance novels. And that's not counting all the books I have in storage and the ones on my wish list.
I'm constantly on the lookout for a new good book, and I'm always picking up things to read. My desk holds more old Cosmos and school newspapers and Advocates than I care to count, because I have such a hard time throwing away good reading material, even if I've memorized it cover to cover. My class had a library introduction a couple weeks ago, and I literally stopped in my tracks on the way out of the campus library because I spotted a rack full of magazines they were giving away. I frequent a library near my house because they have a room full of free books just waiting to be brought home and placed on my bookshelf. I've had to resist going into used bookstores when I haven't specifically set aside money specifically for buying books, because I'll happily spend my food budget on books and just eat Ramen and macaroni and cheese instead.

I never really thought it was an issue. In fact, I've always loved that part of myself - the side of me that is more than content to sit in front of my parents' wood-burning stove with a good book and just read all afternoon. I love throwing a blanket over the picnic table and laying in the sun reading a well-worn and much-loved book. I don't fully understand, but thoroughly enjoy the fact that one of the things that calms me the most is to just bury my face in the binding between the pages of a book. I love that, for however long or short I read, I am transported to another place. To another world or another time, where vivid pictures of people and places dance through my mind.
Knowing all this, it's no surprise that I often spend time at friends' houses standing in front of their bookshelves. I look at every book. Every title. Every author. Sometimes, I leave with a few of their books, anxiously borrowed in anticipation of an afternoon (or, let's face it, a night) spent lost in a new adventure.



Today, I was walking through the halls at school, in the extra 45 minutes between when I finished my geography test and when the lecture part of the class started. I walked past an older gentleman sitting in a chair reading a book. I have no idea what book it was. There was no jacket, and the cover was one of those generic dark materials that adorns hardcover books. As I walked past him, I was suddenly struck with this unbelievable urge to snatch the book from his hands and take it home to read it myself.
Let me repeat that, for any of you who may have missed what I just said.
I almost walked up to an elderly man whom I've never met and snatched from his hands a completely unknown book, simply so I could take it home and read it myself.
What kind of person am I!?!?!?
And as if that wasn't bad enough, I noticed a box set up in the hallway for students to donate textbooks (and probably other books) to be donated to people who don't have/can't afford books, and to help literacy. And I had to remind myself that I didn't fit that particular "needy" category.
...I think I have a problem...

What's My Deal!?!?

I’ve been floundering around for a while, trying to figure out myself and my life and where I’m going and what I’m doing in this world. I’ve been trying to come to terms with part of myself that I’m uncomfortable with. Trying to make myself ok with parts of myself I’ve been too scared to express for far too long. Trying to believe that it’s OK to have an opinion. That there’s nothing wrong with chasing down the things I want, the people I want, the dreams I’ve had. Trying to remind myself that it’s OK to have and improve and use this brain in my head.

Trying to convince myself that my personality is my personality and that it’s ok. That it won't hinder any friendships or new relationships or even just negatively impact anyone's opinion of me.

I don’t know what I’m so afraid of.
I’ve been me for the last 25 and a half years. Why should I be afraid of me? Or more accurately… Why am I so afraid to be me?

I’ve always been one to keep the peace. I like it that way. Tell me what it takes to make you happy, and as long as it’s not unreasonable, I’ll do it. And if I’m not sure what you want to do, I’ll just pretend like I don’t care at all. It’s not that I want to seem like an indecisive airhead (which, I realize, is what happens) - it’s that I’d rather not have a strong opinion than have one you don’t like. I’m also known to agree to do something I don’t really want to do. Because I’d rather do that than have you not like what I want.

I’m not sure why I’m like this.
I don’t know why I’m afraid of my own opinions.

Or why I’m afraid to be proactive. I mean…it shouldn’t be so difficult for me to just go for what I want. So…why is it? Why am I afraid of seeming push or clingy whenever I want to initiate any sort of social interaction? Isn’t wanting to see each other often kind of a big part of friendship?

And since when is intelligence a bad thing? How come I’m afraid to sound smart sometimes? Do I really think that the fact that I have a brain and am going to school will count against me in forming any relationships?

I don’t know why I’m so insecure. I really don’t have any reason to be. I’ve got great friends and a huge but very supportive family. I’ve never had anyone say they thought opinions, proactivity, or intelligence were bad things.

So why do I think so? My friends are amazing people. Some of them have been around since I was a kid. Some have been friends since high school or college. Some from various jobs. And some of my closest friends are from the roughest time in my life. They’ve seen me at my best. Seen me at my worst. Laughed with me; cried with me. Stayed at my house; let me stay at theirs.

If I’ve managed to find friends who can stand by me as I lose my job, my car, my apartment, my independence, and my pride… Why do I think they won’t want me to be strong, independent, intelligent, and decisive? And why do I think I can’t find new friends who will do the same?

I mean… Any real friends would love me regardless.

…Right?

Dear Boy

So...
I was going through an envelope of homework I did while in high school. One of the things I found was a "Dear Boy" letter I had to write in Bible class.
And I decided to put it here. Because some of it is promises that I've made, and need to remind myself of over and over, so I don't forget them when the time is right. And some of it are things that every girl wants the man she loves to know. Some of the details are ridiculously out of date, but...the premise is the same. So...just bear with me here. Thanks. :-)

*~*~*~*~*

Dear Boy,

I have no idea who you are, where you live, or even what your name is. I don't know how or when I'll meet you, but I know it will all be right.
I want you to know that I'll love you, no matter what you're like.
I hope you'll remember that my birthday is in September, not in May, and that I like baseball, not basketball. Even if you don't remember, I'll still love you, but it would be nice if you knew.
I promise to remember what sport you play, and what position, and I'll never forget your number. I swear I won't hate you, even if you like the Red Sox, although I may tease you a bit. Just remember I like the Yankees.
I promise not to compare you to other guys, and I hope you'll try not to compare me to other girls.
Please remember that I need you to hold me, even if nothing looks wrong. And if you ask if something's wrong and I say no, I'm probably lying, so hold me anyway.
I promise that, while you're skateboarding or whatever else guys do, I won't worry about you (too much). I'll do my best to keep your friends' names straight, if you'll do the same for mine.
If I cry, please don't see me as weak or pathetic - just hold me close and love me. If you cry, I'll do the same.
I hope you'll love me for who I am, not for who you can make me. Please understand that, while I like Backstreet Boys and Plus One, I'll love you that much more, so please don't call them gay.
Please realize that, while I'll go to a hockey game with you a hundred times, I'd like to go see a movie with you, too, even just once or twice.
If we break up, I'll still love you, though I will be hurt. I'll get over it, and I'll still want to be your friend, if you'll let me.
Just promise me you love me, and I'll do my best to never let you down.
Please know that I pray for you all the time.
I love you.

~Kim

P.S. Happy Valentines Day!

If I danced, I'd be doing it today.
I'm not 100% sure why the urge is so strong...but...I'm in a really good mood today.
:-)

In the meantime...Here's a song I can't get out of my head...

<3

Love/Hate

I hate you.
I love you.
I need to get rid of you.
I can't let you go.
I'm so tired of your lies.
I hope you mean them all.
I'm never in as much pain or confusion as when you're around.
I never see the sun shine as bright as when you're around.
I hate that you know exactly what buttons to push.
I love that you know me so well.
I hate that I can never stay mad at you, even when you treat me like shit.
I love that you can always make me smile.
I hate that you keep coming back only when you aren't happy.
I love that you keep coming back when you're not happy.
I hate that I can't get your face out of my mind.
I love that I can always see your smile.
I hate that you only say "us" when you know I'm on the brink of walking away.
I love that you keep coming back to "us."
I'm so tired of your lies.
I hope you mean them all.
I need to get rid of you.
I can't let you go.
I hate you.
I love you.