So...
I should have gotten up early and ran again today. I had every intention of doing so, actually.
I have PCOS, and therefore, have incredibly irregular cycles. Like, haven't had one since January and that's not at all unusual for me when I'm not on my medication. And don't get me started on the whole medication thing...
Anyway... Because I go so long between cycles, when I finally do get to that time, the first day is excruciatingly painful. Like, curl up in a ball on my bed, please don't disturb me, I'd rather lie here under 4 blankets than get up to eat, pee, watch a movie, anything. I could eat all the chocolate in Hershey, PA quite happily. And dear Lord, I will cry at the drop of a hat. Me. The girl who doesn't cry, ever. I will cry big old tears like it's me personally whose dog died when in reality I'm just watching a commercial.
I should have known it was coming when, last night at Carolyne's play, I was reading the program and all of a sudden felt like I was about to burst into tears. For no reason.
I also should have recognized that I tend to resemble a pregnant woman in her nesting stage just before I start my period. Which was exactly what was happening when I decided to finish my room in the last two days so that I could have my own nice cozy space back. (Which, as much as I adore my brother and am grateful to him for sharing his room with me, I'm so glad I did...just in time.)
In light of those things, I'm not sure why I was so surprised when I woke up this morning to discover that my body decided, after ten months, to "be a woman" again, but I was.
I had every intention of getting up early and running again this morning, but when I woke up in pain, I decided that there was not enough chocolate in the world to be worth getting up and running at that point.
I'll try again on Sunday.
Also, I realize that some of the stuff in here is a little bit personal...
Sorry for sharing any information you may not want to hear, but... I think that's the way it's gonna be. I want to just...talk about my life and about what's going on with me. I won't share anything I wouldn't say in person, but I want to be able to be honest and open. If I'm really bothering you but you just can't stay away (haha), you can say something and I'll try to tone it down.
Just wanted to give a fair warning.
:-P
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Baby Steps
I guess you could call today Day One.
I did it. I got up at 9, and ran for 45 minutes. I've discovered that, if I put a movie in, set the treadmill to one of the weight loss programs, and just keep on moving, it's actually not that bad.
I'm currently setting up my room. Feeling really accomplished.
And feeling good.
Here's to new beginnings...
I did it. I got up at 9, and ran for 45 minutes. I've discovered that, if I put a movie in, set the treadmill to one of the weight loss programs, and just keep on moving, it's actually not that bad.
I'm currently setting up my room. Feeling really accomplished.
And feeling good.
Here's to new beginnings...
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Inner Strength - Where Does It Come From?
I am amazed by this woman's strength...
In her bio on the Biggest Loser website, it says that "She faced an enormous tragedy in October 2006. In light of losing her beloved husband, 5½ year-old daughter and 2½ week-old son in a fatal car crash, she chooses to forge ahead."
Which she doesn't explain here.
What blows me away, every week, is her determination. Her persistence. Her strength. And even more than that, her joy.
If I lost what she did... Wow... She says she chooses every day to get out of bed. It is a conscious choice to get up and live without her loved ones.
I think I very well might have chosen not to wake up the next morning.
Every week, Abby is smiling, cheering her team on, working as hard as she can. She is pushed by the trainers. By her teammates. By herself. And she keeps going. Keeps living.
I want to be like that. I want to have that strength. That inner drive. That faith that there is something more in store for me.
In the first episode of this season, Abby says that it was the grace of G-d that she wasn't in the van with her family that day. And that she takes the fact that she was spared as her sign that she was meant for something more - something bigger than she even knows about right now. And she's chosen to start that path...to begin to find her destiny...by getting herself right.
Not to make everything about me...but...
I have been fighting so much with myself recently. With my self-image. Because, let's face it, I'm overweight, unemployed, have no car, and feel more and more unmotivated by the moment.
I'm fighting to find the determination I need to pick myself up and change my life. I don't want to be this size forever. I don't want to be unemployed or have a job I hate. I want to have a car and not worry about whether or not I can make the payments. I want to do something with my life, other than sit in this house.
I don't know how to make that change. I'd love to make it onto the show, and get the jump-start from them so that I can begin a new me. That would be a dream-come-true.
But would it fix the problem?
Not by itself. There are bigger issues in my life than just having trouble losing weight, and I know it. I think the biggest one is a fear of failure and unhappiness.
If I try to lose weight and fail, I'll feel worse than I do now.
If I try harder to find a job and still can't find anything, I'll feel like I'm not good enough.
If I find a job and hate it, I'll feel like I'm not going anywhere or doing anything worthwhile with my life.
I don't know where to start. I'm not happy with where I am.
I'm not sure exactly where I want to go, but I know I don't want to stay here.
How do you get to a place you don't know? How do you even know what direction to head or how to begin?
I'd love to say that, first thing tomorrow, I'm going to get out of bed at 8 or 9, throw on my sneakers, and go for a run. That then I'll shower and call every daycare within a 20 mile radius, selling myself as the most enthusiastic and passionate toddler teacher they could ever employ. Then I'll get my room set up, help with dinner, and go to Carolyne's play.
But I know myself. And I know that I'll really just want to stay in bed till close to noon, then spend an hour or so on the computer while eating, set up my room, grudgingly help with dinner, and then go to the play.
And that pisses me off. I hate who I've become. I don't want to be this girl anymore. I don't want to live in my parents' house because I have nowhere else to go and no way to support myself if I did. I don't want to spend day after day dodging questions about why I don't have a job. I don't want to be lazy and unmotivated and sedentary.
I want to work. I want to run. I want to laugh and play and go out with friends and get a car and pay off this debt and get my life back in order.
And when I'm back on my feet, I want to meet someone. Because, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm 25 and honestly have never had a relationship worth mentioning. And I want a family. Lord knows I'm going to have enough trouble having kids of my own. I really don't want to have my age hinder that as well.
I don't know...I feel like I'm constantly running myself around in circles and then wondering why I never get anywhere. And I don't know what it's going to take to get myself motivated. I feel like... I'm pretty sure I know what my mental block is. I know what I need to do. I know how to do it. And I know that, once I get started, I'll keep going. I'm a creature of habit. If I can just get into a routine, I'll be golden. I just don't know how to make myself get off my fat ass and DO IT.
And that's the most frustrating part of all.
:-\
In her bio on the Biggest Loser website, it says that "She faced an enormous tragedy in October 2006. In light of losing her beloved husband, 5½ year-old daughter and 2½ week-old son in a fatal car crash, she chooses to forge ahead."
Which she doesn't explain here.
What blows me away, every week, is her determination. Her persistence. Her strength. And even more than that, her joy.
If I lost what she did... Wow... She says she chooses every day to get out of bed. It is a conscious choice to get up and live without her loved ones.
I think I very well might have chosen not to wake up the next morning.
Every week, Abby is smiling, cheering her team on, working as hard as she can. She is pushed by the trainers. By her teammates. By herself. And she keeps going. Keeps living.
I want to be like that. I want to have that strength. That inner drive. That faith that there is something more in store for me.
In the first episode of this season, Abby says that it was the grace of G-d that she wasn't in the van with her family that day. And that she takes the fact that she was spared as her sign that she was meant for something more - something bigger than she even knows about right now. And she's chosen to start that path...to begin to find her destiny...by getting herself right.
Not to make everything about me...but...
I have been fighting so much with myself recently. With my self-image. Because, let's face it, I'm overweight, unemployed, have no car, and feel more and more unmotivated by the moment.
I'm fighting to find the determination I need to pick myself up and change my life. I don't want to be this size forever. I don't want to be unemployed or have a job I hate. I want to have a car and not worry about whether or not I can make the payments. I want to do something with my life, other than sit in this house.
I don't know how to make that change. I'd love to make it onto the show, and get the jump-start from them so that I can begin a new me. That would be a dream-come-true.
But would it fix the problem?
Not by itself. There are bigger issues in my life than just having trouble losing weight, and I know it. I think the biggest one is a fear of failure and unhappiness.
If I try to lose weight and fail, I'll feel worse than I do now.
If I try harder to find a job and still can't find anything, I'll feel like I'm not good enough.
If I find a job and hate it, I'll feel like I'm not going anywhere or doing anything worthwhile with my life.
I don't know where to start. I'm not happy with where I am.
I'm not sure exactly where I want to go, but I know I don't want to stay here.
How do you get to a place you don't know? How do you even know what direction to head or how to begin?
I'd love to say that, first thing tomorrow, I'm going to get out of bed at 8 or 9, throw on my sneakers, and go for a run. That then I'll shower and call every daycare within a 20 mile radius, selling myself as the most enthusiastic and passionate toddler teacher they could ever employ. Then I'll get my room set up, help with dinner, and go to Carolyne's play.
But I know myself. And I know that I'll really just want to stay in bed till close to noon, then spend an hour or so on the computer while eating, set up my room, grudgingly help with dinner, and then go to the play.
And that pisses me off. I hate who I've become. I don't want to be this girl anymore. I don't want to live in my parents' house because I have nowhere else to go and no way to support myself if I did. I don't want to spend day after day dodging questions about why I don't have a job. I don't want to be lazy and unmotivated and sedentary.
I want to work. I want to run. I want to laugh and play and go out with friends and get a car and pay off this debt and get my life back in order.
And when I'm back on my feet, I want to meet someone. Because, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm 25 and honestly have never had a relationship worth mentioning. And I want a family. Lord knows I'm going to have enough trouble having kids of my own. I really don't want to have my age hinder that as well.
I don't know...I feel like I'm constantly running myself around in circles and then wondering why I never get anywhere. And I don't know what it's going to take to get myself motivated. I feel like... I'm pretty sure I know what my mental block is. I know what I need to do. I know how to do it. And I know that, once I get started, I'll keep going. I'm a creature of habit. If I can just get into a routine, I'll be golden. I just don't know how to make myself get off my fat ass and DO IT.
And that's the most frustrating part of all.
:-\
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