I'm feeling like it's time for a moment of vulnerability. (Please excuse my rambling nature...)
I call this poem Always Been, though I'm still not entirely convinced that's the real title. It was written at about 3:00am on 7/11/10. At that time, Aaron and I were talking, but not dating. Yet. At least not officially.
I've held this poem close to my heart for a long time now, and as Aaron and I are nearing our third anniversary together, I realize just how true these words are. Always have been. And always will be.
Two "background" things, for those of you who may not know -
First. The "Bachelor Relationship" mentioned is Mom's reference to the oh-so-popular reality show. Where all the women fall head-over-heels with one man - not because he's the best match for them, but because he's the only option there.
Second. I met Aaron around the Christmas of...1996? 1997? My gosh...has it really been that long? Anyway... By the end of the day, I knew I was a goner. I spent the next eight years regularly visiting my grandmother, whose church was led by none other than Aaron's dad. And trying to get him to see me too. We became friends. He became my best friend. He fell for someone else. We stopped talking. Life happened. We both dated other people. But always, in the back of my head, was this recognition that I'd already fallen for someone as hard as I was ever going to fall. And that made it hard to really open up to anyone else. And then after almost six years of silence, one spring day, out of the blue, we started talking again. Every day. All day. This was written about two and a half months later. As my mother was trying to make sure I wasn't setting myself up for heartbreak. A week before I'd buy a same-day ticket and travel 900 miles to show up his door and make myself impossible to ignore. And about two weeks before he and I finally decided to call this thing love.
And boy, am I glad we did...
Always Been
I was talking with my mom today,
Discussing relationships
And passion
And why I could never be with someone
I wasn’t passionate about.
How I can’t do things halfway,
And how I need to be lost,
Completely, totally, ridiculously
Head-over-heels, gone
For the man I want to be with.
Mom asks if I feel that way with you.
Am I really passionate about you?
Or am I just forcing myself into
What she calls “a bachelor relationship,”
Where I’ll fall in love with you
Because you’re the only option I’m allowed?
I pause.
I’m not sure what to say.
Because, for the first time
In a very, very long time,
My words fail me.
I don’t know how to explain it to her.
I can’t get my thoughts into words.
I can’t make my vocabulary cooperate
The way I normally do.
I usually have a firm grasp on
The things I’m trying to say,
And the words with which to convey
Everything that’s on my mind.
But today,
That’s gone.
I open my mouth to answer,
But nothing comes out.
My own thoughts don’t make sense.
I want to say how great you are.
I want to tell her
About how easy it is to just be me with you.
I want to confide in her
All the little things I love about you.
I want to share with her
How much you push me to be better,
Whether it’s intentional or not.
I want her to hear
How much you make me laugh.
I want to make her see
The man I see in you.
I want her to understand
The things I’ve been learning
Both from and about you.
I want her to see in my eyes
And hear in my voice
Just how much the thought of you
Drives me crazy
In all the right ways.
But I can’t seem to form any real thoughts.
So I know Mom just won’t understand.
Because
Even I don’t understand what I’m trying to say.
Just that…
It’s always been you.
When I first met you,
And realized that
You were something special –
Someone I didn’t want to let go.
When we became close friends,
And you were the rock I leaned on,
My safe harbor when I needed
The truth
Or a laugh
Or just a good song to listen to.
Despite the other guys,
The crushes and the boyfriends,
The kisses and the embraces,
And the times spent just being
In other men’s arms.
Through your other girlfriends,
And the days that turned into weeks
That turned from months into years
When, not only did we not spend time together,
We didn’t even speak.
In spite of the times I tried
(In vain)
To speed down the highway,
Hoping to outrun the memory of you.
After I spent countless nights
Lying awake in bed,
Mourning the loss of the you I’d always loved.
Even now, as we stumble our way
Through this clumsily choreographed
But still beautiful dance
That our relationship has become.
It’s always been you.
And I don’t know how to say it any other way.
So I close my mouth
And let the conversation die.
My silent thoughts
Are going to have to be enough;
At least for now.
But hours later,
Lying in bed;
With thoughts from the day
Flooding over me,
Four words echo incessantly in my mind.
Four words I can’t forget.
Four words I’m suddenly realizing
Are so very true,
Regardless of what may
Or may not come of this.
It’s always been you.
